Clubs that destroy social lives of members look forward to arrival of freshers

Satire

Image Credit: Decan

Note: the article that follows is a work of satire, and therefore should not be taken as factual

Clubs and societies that are known across the University for destroying the social life of their members have been gleefully preparing for the arrival of fresh meat to replenish their ranks. Societies such as the Oxford Union, rowing, student politics, and the student press, that take over the lives of its participants and make them pariahs amongst the general populace of the University, have been rubbing their hands with delight with the prospect of capturing naive freshers that approach their stall at the Freshers fair in the hopes of consuming the best three years of their lives with banal competition. 

“Most current students already have the good sense to not even come near us” sad the head of the Oxford University Conservative Association’s Fresher’s Committee, Gerald Bougham (St. John’s). “However many of these new suckers have no clue that signing up wth us on freshers will lead them to become outcasts in their college and create a social life for that which revolves around backstabbing and hacking. Most current students walk across the road rather than talk to us, but these idiots walk right up to our stall and sign up!”. 

The good cheer wasn’t just confined to the political societies; some of the sports teams have also said that they look forwards to taking well adjusted freshers and luring them in, like flies to honey, into a lifestyle that will alienate them from their friends and make them insufferable to others. This was most prominent with the rowers. President of the Oxford University Rowing Club, Rebecca Urqhart (Balliol), said that “for some reason these people think that an Oxford experence isn’t complete unless they wake up at 3 in the morning to exert their bodies in the cold, doing a sport that makes them look like twats. Its brilliant!”. 

With all that said, we stongly encourage all freshers to sign up to The Oxford Student, a fun and friendly society that definently does not take over your social life or free time.