Note: the article that follows is a work of satire, and therefore should not be taken as factual
For five centuries, Christ Church has been an imposing bulwark of Oxford’s academic and religious tradition. Now that is all going to change. A buyout of the College and Cathedral by an independent organisation, the Harry Potter Educational Organisation (HPEO), was completed this week, and the physical space will now be devoted full time to furthering global understanding of Harry Potter and servicing the attendant Potter-based tourism industry.
Potter-inspired tourists have been a notable feature of Christ Church’s landscape for several years now, ever since the Hall staircase was used for one of the films.
“We’re delighted with Christ Church’s cooperativeness on this bold new initiative,” commented the Head of the HPEO: “The college has supported the advancement of the Potter industry, nay, the Potter Cause, for many years now, and it was a logical next step for those of us most dedicated to advancing it further to take over the College entirely.”
The plans of the HPEO include turning the College into a full-scale functioning replica of the Harry Potter school, and opening the famous Hall staircase to tourism 24 hours a day. A special visa service will be instituted to cope with the increased demand.
Christ Church’s JCR was not officially available for comment, but although some undergraduates have been disquieted by the effective closure of their college, the prevailing mood is one of excitement: “We can’t wait to help out with the new Potter experience here, if we’re allowed to,” said one student. “Thank goodness,” said another, “I can finally study magic and do something of real use to the world, instead of this engineering degree. I’ve always wanted to change the world for the better and thanks to this buyout I may finally have the chance.”
The Cathedral was also unavailable for comment, but one member of the congregation was sanguine: “So many people get their moral code from Harry Potter now rather than the Bible that it seems churlish to object. Attendance at services will probably go through the roof now that we’ll have the Church of Potter operating here rather than the old C. of E. I‘m sure we can get used to it.”
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