Trash Talking: Fruits and Vegetables

Culture Food

It’s no secret to my family, friends and doctor that I made a pledge to myself a long time ago to avoid as many organic foods as possible. I mean, they grow from the actual ground, the ground we walk on, the fricking road! They’re a part of nature and not the beautiful green trees I always see in a Sims 3 World – like trees real squirrels live in. I’ve never understood why someone would rather eat a carrot over a Cheeto.

I do have to admit, there are some vegetables that are okay. They say hi to me in the hall sometimes, go really well with Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps and I love how cool their names are: say broccoli to yourself over and over again and honestly tell me that is not the most awesome word in existence. Cauliflower cheese is so amazingly gooey and as a sucker for different textures I love how crunchy the cauliflower can be (especially if it’s roasted first) relative to how soft and creamy the cheese is. The same applies to okra, which has such a bite to it, and when cooked with chillis and garlic it is literally heaven on a plate.

Okay I’m reading this back as I write and realize I’ve contradicted my whole ‘I hate organic food’ skit. Whatever Mom! Point is this is where my diss track begins, so if you’re a sucker for berries there’s a Sudoku on the next page.

Apples

You know the saying ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’? Well when I got hit in the eye by a squash ball no doctor came to help me, so what’s your deal? Gosh I hate you.

Pears

Pears are sweet, full of flavour and I love how they’re like apples except cooler, like an older sibling who has an actual job and a car. My issue is that pears are the equivalent of nuts in chocolate chip cookies: they make every dessert they’re in that much more soggy, watery and mildly disappointing. Oh what’s the dessert special? Chocolate covered pears you say? Why isn’t that chocolate covered PROFITEROLES on the menu instead?! The cheek of it all.

Oranges

While they’re extremely refreshing and really tasty, does anyone else get the vibe that oranges are sort of pretentious? Like a banana (the roast begins soon), the fact that I have to peel an orange shows me how snooty and high maintenance they are – so much effort to eat something that’s actually kind of overrated. They give me a sore throat too. I really am losing the plot aren’t I.

“Does anyone else get the vibe that oranges are sort of pretentious?”

Strawberries

I’m going to be honest with my readers, all three of you – it’s really hard to roast a strawberry. They’re sweet, not too rich and compliment both sweet and savory foods perfectly (that scene in Ratatouille where Remy combines the strawberry with cheese wonderfully illustrates this). They’re extremely delicate as fruits, and if exposed to heat for too long would char and soon lose their sweetness. This is EXACTLY why they suck – it’s so hard to roast them! They could have been an ultimate campfire snack along with Emperor S’mores but no, they had to be super fresh and tough to cook.

On the other hand, there are a few roasted strawberry recipes out there, so I’ve really been pulling at straws with this one. Awkward.

Peas

Just don’t eat these when they’re frozen and with a stick of butter. There’s a small chance you’ll puke on your sofa.

Carrots

The worst of the worst: carrots.

Carrots and I have hated each other since before I got a birth certificate. I have had nightmares about carrots. I’ve considered making several storytime videos about my hatred for carrots. I’ve passed out because of a carrot. The bane of every Spaghetti Bolognese dish, the turd in my chicken soup – why do you suck so much? I want answers! A large portion of my childhood was trying to dodge these orange sticks of doom, raw and cooked alike. If there was a comments section in this newspaper, I’d ask you all to chime in on why they suck so badly.

“I’ve considered making several storytime videos about my hatred for carrots”

Mangoes

As a Libra, I really believe in the balance of all things – when there’s negative energy there needs to be an equal share of positive energy. So after a huge venting session about carrots, which happens more often than you might think, it’s always good to turn my attention to my ride or die – mangoes. Not much to say, you’re perfect in every way. Never change please!

Bananas

I’ve been half-joking about all these other vegetables and fruits, but no, never with you banana. Last and only second worst thanks to the monstrosity that is the carrot, you embody the worst aspects of both pears and oranges. The ice cream sundae could have been the ultimate ice cream recipe but you just had to sit at the bottom of the bowl every time, shoving your way into every amazing bite and making it that much worse. You also make every milkshake worse (shout out to every chocolate milkshake I didn’t realize had bananas in it). Like an orange, you also need to be peeled, and unlike the orange, in this case the pay off is definitely not worth it. I will also never eat you before an exam.

Image credit – Ehsan Namavar