Last week, The Oxford Student surveyed students, asking them what they would like to do first once lockdown is over. After many responses, we’ve compiled and discussed the best answers for your entertainment…
At the close of the very first OxStu RevYou, it is clear that Oxford has spoken. Ladies and gentlemen, old and young, Teams team and Zoom gang – I would like to formally announce to you that Oxford is horny. The thirst for knowledge that founded this university and has been handed down to successive generations of students seems to have been replaced by… well, thirst.
Every submission to the RevYou was uniquely worded – that is, apart from two. In answer to what they’d most like to do once lockdown is ended, did two erudite students both discuss a visit to the same museum? Perhaps both singled out a desire to vigorously plunge their oar into the welcoming embraces of the river Cherwell and have a stereotypical punt once this is over? No, the only response to be repeated, letter for letter, was this:
Yes, based on the results of this survey, it unfortunately seems like the last remaining braincells of the Oxford populace are engaged in imagining all manner of sin and debauchery. But even in this aim, Oxford students were able to provide characteristic rhetorical flair and imagery in describing their post-lockdown desires. Some particularly imaginative answers to the RevYou question (censored to maintain at least the pretence of class) include:
‘get railed by a team of [male chickens]’
‘get [nickname for Richard-ed] down until I lose mobility of my legs’
‘go clubbing, do a fat [one dimensional shape], [make love] in the toilets, and have a 3 day afters’
Some were less imaginative in their answers:
‘Sex. Lots and lots of sex.’
Whilst others, almost apologetically, conveyed just how pitiful things had gotten:
‘honestly [procreate with] anything that moves’
On a much more wholesome note, if rampant alcoholism and lad culture can be described as wholesome, the next most discussed post-lockdown activity was a cheeky:
‘Pints at the pub with the lads’
With multiple responses discussing a desire one way or another for a post-lockdown pint. It seems Turf, The Kings Arms, The Wig and Pen and other Oxford pubs can expect a huge surge in revenue once allowed to reopen – unless of course they follow the rest of the economy in deciding to permanently rusticate.
More unique responses include:
‘Storm BlackRock for cancelling my Spring week Internship’
Reading this submission creates a sort of cognitive dissonance, as it seems to have a clear anti-capitalist revolutionary tone, despite it definitely being written by the type of generic E&Mer you could make using a 3D printer.
‘Have a graduation ceremony #oof’
#topicalandrelevant. If this social commentary was any more biting, I’d have to dedicate more than one complete sentence to commenting on it.
‘Get a tramp stamp’
The lack of imagination in this submission is frankly appalling. Of all the things to do once the world’s most devastating period of social isolation ends, I would’ve thought more significant activities could be thought of. Please raise your expectations.
And finally, the most commendable, heart-felt and poignant response of them all:
‘piss in my own god damn sink’
Amen. That’s all for the RevYou this week – look out for the next question coming out soon, stay safe, and above all, at least try to maintain some decency once you’re back on the Fever dancefloor.
Illustration by Holly Woodhead