RevYou Results: If your life were a thesis title, what would it be?

OxYou OxYou

Last week, we asked Oxford who it would want to quarantine with, and some of the responses were… questionable. One thing that OxYou can get behind though is self-improvement – to the two readers who voiced a desire to sort out their hair and to get hench, we commend you. If only we had such willpower.

This week we asked what thesis title would most suitably describe your lives and, to be quite frank, the negativity of a few of the responses has left us a little worried. Nevertheless, we pressed on. Here’s what we made of them:

A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Sadly we’re going to have to penalize this title for plagiarism as Lemony Snicket definitely got in there first. But if your life is going badly enough to be comparable to Snicket’s fictional orphans (who are hounded by an evil Count who kills off all their relatives), then boy do we feel for you. The silver lining is that the only way is up.

Where did it all go wrong?

We like the analytical feel this has – when your life has spiraled downwards, it’s probably a good idea to work out how you got yourself into this mess. Sounds like a bit of a depressing read though, so we hope it takes an upwards turn soon.

A linear model of stochastic, compound errors in decision theory.

We have to confess, we had to look ‘stochastic’ up. (It refers to a randomly determined process, if you too were wondering). So what that you’ve made some errors, though? In the immortal words of Hannah Montana, “everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days.” We hope you take your model and use it to grow as a person.

Machiavelli revisited: Analysing how one man continues to dominate at any cost.

Wow, do we sense someone overcompensating for something here? Our interest is piqued – this is a very bold claim indeed. Congratulations on your alleged continuing domination… we’re curious as to what ‘at any cost’ means though. We’re picturing the trail of chaos and devastation you’ve left in your wake, and it’s not a pretty picture. The only question that remains: was it worth it?

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: A Comprehensive Analysis of Circumstantial Motivation and Flagging Hygiene.

This could have been written by any of us. We suspect this title will strike a chord with the vast majority of Oxford students. Our response is that circumstantial motivation is better than no motivation at all, so we’ll assume that this is ‘the good’. Flagging hygiene is certainly bad, and it’s also going to make you pretty ugly. All in all, a good title; sounds like someone is looking forward to this pandemic being over.

Sober Hassan’s at 3am: An analysis of the complex yet intriguing relationship between all-nighter coping strategies and obesity in young adults.

Another familiar topic. We are not strangers to the odd chips, cheese and gravy combo in the library during the early hours of the morning. You’ve made a mistakes with Hassan’s though; Ahmed’s is the way to go.

Is it feminism or am I gay?

What a wholesome voyage of self-discovery this could be! Of course, the two are by no means mutually exclusive, and either way, we are all for this female empowerment. If you haven’t worked out the conclusion yet, we hope a few trips to Plush next year will provide that certainty you’ve been looking for.

Reasons the North is better than the South: a non-exhaustive summary.

Though this ground has been well-trodden, it’s perhaps right to revisit it now that Oxford has a Greggs… which has made your case so much weaker. We’d like to argue with you, but we’ll have to concede – you’ve got cheap pints and people who are friendly to strangers, both of which are nearly impossible to find in the south. It puzzles us that this is your life-defining topic though; don’t let your insecurities drag you down.

That’s all for the RevYou this week – look out for the next question soon, and in the meantime, go and bake another loaf of banana bread.

Image credit: Christian Erfurt, Unsplash.

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