Dean of Hearts: Week Four, Aiming High

Got any troubles, worries, concerns, or heartaches? Send them to the Dean of Hearts by filling out this anonymous form.

“Dear Dean of Hearts,

I spent the year sleeping through my college JCR committee, I was only missing the president. Any ideas on how to chirpse the JCR pres in time for a post lockdown shag?”

JCR politics – that old quirk of Oxford life. There is no better way to spend your free time than by submitting motions and attending (virtual) husts. For the uninvolved, even, meetings of the exec provide a constant stream of grapevine entertainment. Who knew that a GM could set the scene for your blossoming love – or, er, sexual tension?

But I implore you – don’t get carried away imagining yourself as your college’s new first lady (or gentleman). If you’ve made your way through the rest of committee, falling short of securing the attention of your president, it is probably best to quit while you’re ahead.

Why, you ask? Dear reader, it is simply not worth the sconce. It takes a certain kind of person to run a JCR, and not one who, with all the facts laid bare, you would really like to spend the night with. Sure, you could ask them on a Zoom drink-date, but their schedule only has room for you between 6:45 and 7:20pm next Thursday. A reply to your flirtatious advances will seldom come within the hour. Breakfast after that post-lockdown shag? You would be so lucky – they’ll be kicking you out at 6:30am sharp, to get some reading in before their 9am with the college Master.

Sometimes, it is better to live in realism and take the path more easily traversed. The hubub of Oxford life is stressful enough without carrying the administrative woes of another. Should your efforts come to fruition, I worry you would realize that your horizontal hacking was just not worth the bother.

My sage advice is simply not to go there. You deserve more. Maybe see what the Secretary is up to on Saturday night.