Dean of Hearts: Week Five, Marriage Woes

Got any troubles, worries, concerns, or heartaches? Send them to the Dean of Hearts by filling out this anonymous form.

“Dear Dean of Hearts,

I think I’m in love with my college husband. I know the whole college marriage thing is a joke but I can’t stop thinking about him. We’re both single, so there’s nothing really stopping me asking him on a date. Is this normal or am I just a horny pervert?”

We’ve all been there, getting absolutely pissed at a bop, catching eyes with your college spouse and realising you’re in love with them. No? Maybe, that’s just me then. 

Going to Oxford is a lot of make believe. We play at being presidents, politicians, and even adults. Pretending to be joined in matrimony is just the done thing. If you’re unlucky enough to find yourself void of a spouse come Trinity, well I guess you’re just not marriage material. The black sheep of college is not the hack, the Tory, the cryptic. Nay, it is the unmarried Fresher. College marriages are a sanctimonious bond that no mere mortal can come between. The cardinal rule is one that many are familiar with: Do not marry someone you will ever get with. I know it may seem tempting to snog someone you already class as your wife, but think of the children. Will you tell your dearest child “Sorry Ben, Mum’s not talking to me right now. Not only did I get with her. I got with her mate on the same night too.”

Reader, if you’ve followed that rule and still find yourself staring dreamily at your husband, then I’m afraid to tell you it is love. For what other explanation is there? College marriage is essentially free labour. You’re trapped constantly watching the back of your spouse, walking back from Bully with them, and being there if they need a cheeky shoulder to cry on. I mean, isn’t that essentially what marriage is? Except rather than nursing a Hassan’s on the way back from Fever, you’re bringing your kids back from nursery. The maths checks out.