EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS: OxStu launches ‘Sunday Roast’ series

Lockdown is upon us. Luckily, Oxford’s “favourite” student publication is here to provide you with a review of the last week of freedom, carefully curated by our new education and tropical raincloud correspondent, Rordon Gamsay.

Kick back, enjoy your (barely legal) pint, and read all about what your peers have been up to – mostly, proving that you don’t need common sense to go to the best University in the world. How else would the Government have gotten us into this mess?

Got any college gossip? Slide into our Instagram DMs (no one else will), or email oxstu.oxyou@gmail.com. 

Former Balliol student orders national lockdown to prevent re-opening of Peter’s Bar

St Peter’s and Balliol College have a long-standing rivalry in their positions as the last fully student-run bars in Oxford. Peter’s, continuously ranked as number one in all areas by the Oxford College Bar review, was due to re-open this Thursday after obtaining permission from the Dean of the College to do so.

With national lockdown now scheduled to take effect on the same day, the Peterites had their hopes of cheap drinks and sticky floors shattered by the Prime Minister, a former student of Balliol College and regular pub-goer. We cannot confirm whether or not Mr Johnson was aware of the reopening plans, but some Peter’s students found it suspicious that plans for a lockdown coincided with it. “Boris has always been such a massive backer of going down the pub before. Clearly, he’s never had a Cross Keys.”

Christopher Gilmour, Bar Manager at St Peter’s said “we know that public health has to come first, but obviously we’re all gutted – we’d put a lot of work into our plans to safely reopen. The press conference came less than 24 hours after we announced the grand return of the bar and grille [so] the timing was certainly curious.”

Balliol College was not contacted for comment and therefore did not respond. Unfortunately, The Prime Minister informed us he would respond 2 hours 48 minutes later than our publication deadline.

Letter intended for St John’s students mistakenly sent to BBC journalist

Last week, The Oxford Student reported that at St John’s College, 150 students were in self-isolation, but that no exact case numbers had been released – despite students asking for them. In a twist of events, the BBC published that the College had 30 confirmed cases after it obtained a letter from the President of the College, likely meant for the JCR and MCR mailing lists, which are also three-letter acronyms like ‘BBC’.

This follows reports that students at the College were trying a ‘herd-immunity’ strategy in order to combat Covid-19, with the upside of preventing John’s students from socialising with the rest of the University.

Balliol students win best outfit prize by drafting in fire engine

Students at Balliol have been accused of going ‘a step too far’ after drafting in a fire engine to win a Halloween costume competition. The fire crew was reportedly lured to the college’s Broad Street entrance by an overcooked soup shortly after 2 am this morning.

Students who were woken by the resulting fire alarm are reportedly ‘p*ssed off’ and ‘confused’, adding that those responsible for the kitchen fire ‘weren’t even wearing costumes’. Conversely, an anonymous member of staff has described the event as ‘the least embarrassing thing to happen to Balliol this week’, adding afterwards, ‘thank f*ck we only have one kitchen on the whole site’.

Balliol College did not respond to our request for comment. It is believed that the College is preoccupied with the erection of a guillotine in back quad, following a statement earlier in the month that students would be ‘decapitated’ for breaching covid safety rules.

New College students voted ‘friendliest in Oxford’

New College has been declared Oxford’s ‘friendliest’ college after a large number of Covid-19 cases this week. The College’s President has said that it is ‘unfortunate’ that New students were so open-minded and accepting of others.

New’s reputation for friendliness is long-standing, with the College warning students not to accept gifts from strangers after one undergraduate was reportedly scammed by a rogue fashion designer earlier this term.

The silly fresher, who prefers not to be named, has told The Oxford Student exclusively that they were ‘just trying to help’.

The Father, The Son, and The Holy Fillet: Exeter serves ‘Buttered God’ in Hall 

Exeter served its students ‘buttered God’ in hall on Friday, alongside ‘homemade meat pie’.

The College’s head chef told The Oxford Student that the JCR ‘must repent to bring about an end to the plague’, while students at other colleges have told us about their awe at the fact that Exeter’s soup of the day only costs 80p.

Image Credit: Josh Boddington, The Oxford Student

OxYou is the satire section of The Oxford Student