BREAKING NOW: 90% of students ‘had enough’ by 6th week

News OxYou

It’s sixth week. You’re in lockdown. You’re sick of looking at the same four walls, you’ve lost all passion for your degree, and you’d rather binge Netflix than talk to your flatmates. While we can’t answer your calls of ‘please God, when will it end?!’, we can bring you some “light” “entertainment” courtesy of Rordon Gamsay, our news and swimming pool temperature correspondent.

Christ Church Students Play Live-Action Monopoly

Students at Christ Church engaged in a live-action Monopoly last night, with convincing performances by both the college’s porters and local police. The event, attended by around fifty people from both Oxford and London, has been described by the Dean Martyn Percy as ‘not the most embarrassing thing to happen to Christ Church this year’.

One fresher, who prefers not to be named, was accused of cheating after jumping out of a window to avoid going to jail. They said that ‘£40 is simply too much to pay for a boardgame themed around Oxford’s least popular college’, but that a £10,000 fine was probably reasonable given the carnage caused. A third-year student who was disrupted by the noise said also that the night ‘probably still beats Cardy’s cocktails.’

It is not yet known whether ‘get out of jail free’ cards are included in the College’s welfare budget.

The official Christ Church monopoly set can be bought here, if by fifth week you’re looking for more creative ways to waste your student loan.

For legal reasons this story does not correspond to real-life events.

Oxford Union Slates receive commercial sponsorship

Over the weekend, two Oxford Union slates released their manifestos and Facebook pages, ‘Create’ and ‘Rebuild’ respectively. It has come to our attention that this year both slates were able to form commercial partnerships and we have exclusively obtained their marketing material.

A spokesperson for Mega Blocks said “we really think sponsoring the potential leaders of a world-renowned debating society will help us reach our target audience” while a spokesperson for Innocent Smoothies cited ‘brand compatibility’ as their primary motivation.

Exclusive Video Footage of Informal Room checks at Hertford College

Hertford College emailed its students to inform them that scouts will be checking rooms for ‘mould growth and water damage, etc.’ this week following serious reports of students growing mould.

@theoxfordstudent

Leaked footage of Hertford’s informal room checks #hertford #oxford #university #oxforduni #oxforduniversity

♬ original sound – OxStu Editor

Students were told that scouts would ‘be able to hear a student is on a video call upon approaching a door and will know to try again later’. The JCR committee has advised students who watch other kinds of video content to use speakers to avoid unnecessary interruptions.

OxYou is the satire section of The Oxford Student