Sunday Roast, Week 0: Collections cause flooding of Christ Church meadow

New Year, new variant? If you were unable to return to Oxford this term, fear not – Rordon Gamsay, our grass vibrancy and Tesco meal-deal correspondent, will be your eyes and ears on the ground until the end of lockdown.

University appalled by Go Ape’s use of safety nets

A senior university figure this week expressed their horror at outdoor adventure company Go Ape’s use of safety nets for its customers. This comes after much furor from Oxford’s long-suffering finalists this week, who have been begging the University for an exam safety net given the ‘unique’ quality of their learning experience.

They further told the Oxford Student that they did not see the need for Go Ape to give its customers a blanket safety net. “If everyone already wears harnesses why do they need extra support? I think the company risks its reputation – it’s like saying you don’t believe in the quality of your rope.”

A Go Ape spokesperson said that while most days are very sunny, on occasions of heavy rainfall, the conditions for completing the course differ drastically, and normally very successful participants are likely to slip off the wooden beams.

Naturally, Rordon Gamsay takes the university’s words as gospel and encourages you not to sign this extremely seditious safety net petition.

Jesus College academic director nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

A member of staff at Jesus College has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after offering undergraduates a weekly ‘stretch at your desk’ session, ran by an experienced gym instructor and personal trainer. Rordon Gamsay understands that the sessions were set up following complaints that the college wasn’t taking welfare throughout the pandemic seriously enough.

However, Jesus seems to have competition from Lincoln College, which has set up weekly activities on a Sunday evening that include a cocktail masterclass and a movie watch-along with a history fellow. The activity programme has been quaintly named ‘Sunday Funday’ – perfect to go with your Sunday Roast?

Bitter students told to ‘sod off’ by hopeful offer-holders

Oxford’s grumpy finalists were told to stop complaining about their degrees this week, after the University dished out its offers to this year’s intake. Several current sixth-formers were seen complaining on Tik-Tok that the university’s current students are miserable and putting people off from coming next year.

Freya Sher, who hopes to study Maths at Keble College next year, told the Oxford Student that seeing finalists complain about Oxford on Twitter was confusing. “Who cares if you fail finals because of a pandemic and a lack of support from your college?” she said. “At most universities, you can’t wear sub fusc without being laughed at. It’s a small price to pay for the peace of mind to be an obnoxious twat without judgement.”

Cornmarket Street Prets threatened with closure after drop in footfall

Both Pret-A-Mangers on Cornmarket Street have been threatened with closure after a dramatic loss of custom this term. The shops, which last term provided students everywhere with the stress, confusion and fatigue of a Fever night out, may have to close if students cannot return this term.

One Pret barista told the Oxford Student that they considered calling the police to report the absence of their pet snake, which hasn’t been sighted since December last year. It is understood that the snake can now be seen frequently in University Parks or Christ Church meadow, once a day for no more than an hour.

Sunday Roast is satirical, and not meant to be taken as slanderous.