STUDY: Internal Temperature of Senior University Figures unaffected by snowfall

It’s the end of week one and Oxford is full of snowflakes. The weather also took a turn for the colder overnight, giving students an excuse to take a break from their essays. Sunday saw them build snowmen and post pictures of beautiful Oxford buildings covered in white on their Instagram stories (did you know it snowed!). For this week’s Sunday Roast, we sent Rordon Gamsay, our resident news and high-altitude-balloon reporter, out into the bitter unknown to gather the best news you didn’t see Cherwell announce as Breaking two hours after you’d already read about it.

Cancelled Varsity matches to move to Wii Sports

In an unprecedented move, Oxford Sports Federation has this week announced a move to Wii Sports following the cancellation of all Varsity matches. OxYou reports that Oxford and the other university will duke it out in a number of virtual sports including Tennis, Boxing, and Speed Slice Swordplay Showdown. 

Oxford Rowing Captain Noah Lyfe had this to say to our reporters: “Though the location of the match has changed to Wuhu Island, our goal remains very much the same. Our training schedule will push our Miis to their peak performance, and we shall endeavour to wear the wrist strap at all times.” We wish the rowers the best of luck, and hope to see their inevitable success on the Wii-ver replicated on Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2021.

Fever nightclub rebrands as ‘Covid’ 

“In these struggling times, we all need to do what we can to keep our businesses relevant” said nightclub manager Simon. Those who are actually fun will remember experiencing extreme heat, dripping sweat, and blurry vision during a night out, but the owners feel these symptoms are ‘outdated’. 

“Those with Covid-19 are known to lose their sense of taste, so for authenticity, we’ve dedicated Friday night to entirely Taylor Swift songs.” The manager also emphasised that there would be strict social distancing even after the duration of the pandemic: “We’ve already had lots of practice with this policy on any night that wasn’t a Friday”. Tuesday Hat Party will also be replaced with Monday Mask Party, and the end of the night is signalled by music from ‘The Vaccines’. 

Oxfeud returns: Shock as students discover they actually disagree

The infamous ‘Oxfeud’, a venting alternative to the confession page ‘Oxfess’ has reemerged following a period of absence. It is unclear whether the new admins of the page are the same as before, or whether they are really that lazy and just copied and pasted the terms and conditions of the old page, which closed down in 2017. 

Current major targets of hate include the Oxford Union and Multi-Factor-Authentication (MFA). MFA has particularly baffled the male population of Oxford who are not used to receiving so many text messages in one day. Meanwhile, the Oxford Union has baffled the population. 

OxYou surveyed the reactions of some notable Oxfess users. “I’m really surprised not everyone agrees with me” claimed one. Another appreciated being able to earn a third top fan badge to make up for a disappointing collections mark.

AstraZeneca Sponsors Cambridge Union to work on new vaccine

Cambridge Union announced its partnership with pharmaceutical company AstraZeneca this week. It is understood that the company, which has recently received international praise for its work with Oxford University on its coronavirus vaccine, now endeavours to find a cure for the desire to study at Cambridge University.

The affliction, known as ‘Taberculosis’ can be debilitating. A spokesperson for the company said: “We hope that, after our pioneering work on the Covid-19 vaccine, we will finally be ready to tackle this much more serious issue”.

That’s all for Sunday Roast this week! If you have any ‘news’ you think Rordon Gamsay should cover, send us an email and let us know!