EXCLUSIVE: Side effects from vaccine control group revealed

OxYou

All science is based on the premise of open debate and we must not shy away from the fact that vaccines are not immune to fault. To ignore such evidence is disingenuous and is in direct violation of the fundamental concepts of the rigorous scientific method. 

After extensive online research, OxYou’s team of certified search-engine scientists have put together the most common side effects of the Oxford-Astrazeneca vaccine control dosage (known by the chemical name saline solution). It is in the public interest that you, our beloved readers, are given this information so that you may make an informed choice. 

The following evidence was obtained through a Freedom of Information request.*

Image Description: Bill Gates

Worse and Shortened Sleep

It is reported that between 52% and 57% of recipients of the vaccine have seen both a shorter than usual amount of sleep, and lower quality of sleep. One recipient claimed that they “are going to bed hours later than usual” and that they “don’t even feel like they can get more done in the day.”

It is believed that this side-effect may not only be caused outright but worsened by the further problems listed below.

Image Description: Bill Gates

Greater Reliance on Caffeine and Alcohol

Within two weeks of their first dose, trial participants reported greater reliance on caffeine to function during the day. Some individuals reported an intake of 6 pints of coffee and 3 Sports Direct mugs of 7.2% ABV cider. This had a knock-on effect of increasing instances of bathroom use by up to 32% for males and 35.5% for people shorter than 5ft, and 4 inches. 

Image Description: Bill Gates

Diminished Attention Span

By only the third day after receiving the initial dose of the vaccine, participants reported that their ability to remain focussed on a task had gone down significantly, with many claiming they could not focus for longer than ten minutes at a time, exceeding the average length of time a lecturer is able to keep students engaged by three minutes.

Image Description: Bill Gates

Increased Tendency to Procrastinate

On top of a diminished attention span, over three-quarters of the participants (77%) reported that they were more likely to engage in activities other than work. More worryingly, almost all recipients (96%) were observed to neglect their intended work in favour of doing some other activity or nothing at all.

After further study by those running the group, those who were monitored using increasingly popular social media ‘TikTok’ had at least doubled their usual time spent on the application, despite participants claiming that they are “not using it any more than normal”. 

Researchers are looking into whether this applies to other social media too, or even other activities outside of the digital world. They warn, however, that it is likely that there is increased time across all websites, and that productive activities such as learning an instrument or doing university work are being put aside.

Image Description: Bill Gates

Urge to throw Pennies into the Drinks of Others

Perhaps the worst side effect of all, with concerns that this may actually INCREASE the spread of the virus, students were observed throwing cylindrical coins into the drinks of their associates. An anthropologist and expert in tossable objects was called in to observe the strange ritual-like nature of the activity, concluding that it reminded them of their time among the more ‘primitive’ Tab tribe. 

Conclusions from Control Group Study

The researchers have come to the conclusion that the control group suffered side effects which were “severe enough” to “not subject anyone to [similar] conditions.” The adverse effect on work, concentration, and general wellbeing has been considered too extreme such that it would disrupt not only the lives of ordinary people but the wider economic and political society.

One of our reporters reached out to a group of experts and claimed to exhibit some of the symptoms listed above. The expert’s feedback was shocking.

Here at OxYou, we think it is imperative that you understand the side effects observed from the control group of the Oxford Vaccine Trials. One must tread carefully in the coming times to ensure that these side effects do not pierce into your life!

*OxYou submitted our FoI request for student participants from the control group of the Oxford-Astrazeneca vaccine trial on the 31st September 2020. Full documents to follow. 

Main Image Credit: Cartoon photo

Image Credit: AndrewNez via Creative Commons Licence, Michael Child via Creative Commons Licence, haber timi via Creative Commons Licence, KAUST Official via Creative Commons Licence

 

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