Sunday Roast: Oxford students delighted by chance to mansplain stock market

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Third week already?? Time flies when you’re having fun…

Rordon Gamsay, our shoe size and sodium content correspondent, is back with an entirely serious and very analytical review of the week.

Harris Manchester College placed in indefinite lockdown after AstraZeneca vaccine deemed ineffective

Students at Harris Manchester College have been placed into an indefinite lockdown this week, after the German government cast doubts over the effectiveness of the AstraZeneca vaccine in over 65s. An anonymous member of college told Rordon Gamsay that the move was deemed necessary to protect the college’s aging population.

Students currently in Oxford say that they haven’t noticed the effects of the lockdown, since most people have never met someone from Harris Manchester anyway.

‘Regents Park’ College demoted to Regents Garden after rent losses

The college formerly known as Regents Park announced a name change this week, after the college has incurred severe financial losses with a lack of rent-paying students this term. It is understood that the name change is meant to represent its new ownership by Queens College, who have acquired Regents and its land to play croquet in next term.

Regents Garden isn’t the only one to struggle – St Benet’s hall recently announced that it would be housing its first-year students on a number of houseboats next year in order to keep heating and electricity costs down.

St John’s College forced to sell historic Lamb and Flag pub after Gamestop losses

St John’s College was forced to sell its historic Lamb and Flag pub this week after investment pressure from Keble students.

It is understood that St John’s College had a large short position in GameStop stocks, which have skyrocketed in value in recent weeks. They are now set to lose millions due to retail investors, also known as Keble students, holding onto their shares and refusing to sell until St Johns is forced to sell every brick it owns.

One student spoke to our reporter: “For years John’s students have been taking advantage of the little guy, stealing our red bricks and laughing at us from their champagne towers. Well we don’t forget! I was there in 2008, when students were forced from their rooms. Now it’s our turn! We won’t stop until there’s a St John’s model village in our bar”.

When approached for comment, Johns said: “Unfortunately this means we won’t be able to offer refunds on the College Ball.”

St Catherine’s porters called in to advise Metropolitan Police on how best to sort out illegal gatherings

Porters at St Catherine’s college have been called in to help the Met Police with lockdown-breaking Londoners, Rordon Gamsay can reveal. It is believed that the move is solely responsible for the recent fall of R in the city.
Cressida Dick, head of the metropolitan police, said: “I’m in awe of what a consistently excellent job the college porters are doing, day and night. If only the Met Police felt the same. It’s truly vital work, and we’re thankful it’s all recorded on body cameras.”

The St Catherine’s Porter High Commissioner added: “We have a duty to make this lockdown the last one – and thankfully students at St Catz are fully compliant by hosting zero parties, or going on walks with members of other colleges.”

Reports show this was the case before the pandemic as well.

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

 

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