NEW EXCLUSIVE: Worcester graduate to be ‘in a peach’

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Third week has been Rordon Gamsay’s busiest to date. Between covering the launch of SU leadership campaigns and infiltrating a spicy second-year group chat, our flagpole girth and bird-spotting correspondent couldn’t be more relieved to finally deliver this week’s very important breaking news.

 

 

Oxford Union Impeachment Fails: Standing Orders Misunderstood

Rordon Gamsay exclusively understands that the recent impeachment motions brought against the current Librarian and current President of the Oxford Union have failed on account of the former Treasurer failing to read the standing orders. 

In now deleted Slack messages, the current President wrote that the ex-Treasurer had ‘no authority here’ and declared the meeting invalid. Other attendees recall that the ex-Treasurer swiftly removed him from the meeting, but the current President asserts that he was never actually in attendance, that he follows all current Zoom guidelines, and it would be defamatory to suggest otherwise. 

At the same meeting, the current Librarian labelled himself ‘President-elect’, to which the former Treasurer responded “there is no way of stopping him from calling himself ‘President-elect’. Please refer to me as Britney Spears from now on.” The President reportedly applauded this act of Free Speech, but no footage is available to verify this quote. 

One Oxford Union member nevertheless has hope for the impeachment motion. They told Rordon Gamsay: “If this president can win an invalid election, he can be impeached with an invalid motion.” 

Our reporter has also obtained early access to next term’s Union Termcard, which includes a special visit from Thames Valley Firefighters and a panel discussion on ‘decorum and democracy’ hosted by Handforth Parish Council.

 

 
Oxford SU leadership positions to be won through ‘game of musical chairs’

Through a nepotistic leak to the Oxford Student, Rordon Gamsay can reveal a major constitutional change to the Student Union’s leadership election system. Instead of campaigning on the basis of promises made in their manifestos – which most students do read, actually – would-be Sabbatical Officers will now have to compete for their jobs through a game of musical chairs.

One current Sabbatical Officer said: “We’ve always liked the word ‘chair’, and we thought it would be good for students to see how candidates perform when they can’t share a chair – like how a lot of them do now, as co-chairs for student campaigns.”

One candidate for the position of VP Access and Academic Affairs told us that they welcomed the change, since most people from normal backgrounds play musical chairs in primary school, while ‘poshos’ tend to pick up sports like croquet from the age of four.

 

 

Magdalen College becomes next Love Islander hotspot

With Dubai taken off the travel corridor in a shocking act of fun-banning, influencers from zeitgeist-channeling Love Island have found freedom in the lack of coronavirus restrictions present at Magdalen College. Indeed, the only way now seems to be the Wayneflete building, and the cast of Made in Chelsea have discovered solace in the large number of London private school girls already there, and all – coincidentally – made in Chelsea themselves. Though the Magdalen Tower is an inadequate replacement for the Burj Khalifa, influencers have still been able to enjoy the premium steakhouse in the dining hall – even if venison appears to be the only thing on the menu. 

Married at First Sight star Aggie Poncey-Mutkin said: “Don’t tell me Oscar Wilde wouldn’t be doing bits with Instagram Sponsorship if he was around today. Dorian Gray’s selfies would bang!” In spite of all of this, reporters confirm that collections are still not anyone’s type on paper. 

 

‘Jouster’ to be defined as protected characteristic by University

‘Jousters’ – or people who joust as a means of self-expression – are to be protected against ‘joustism’ in academic and social settings by the University. This comes after a heated debate in a Wadham second-year groupchat, where one brave jousting activist called out another student for classism after they stated that ‘not all of us got to do jousting at school’.

The offended jouster then retorted that ‘a class is a class’, and that ‘mocking any class is classist’.

A senior member of University staff told us that they were pleased to see the change come in, since they were made fun of for being a jouster when they came to Oxford, as were their parents and grandparents. The senior figure neglected to reply to our questions about when Oriel’s statue of Cecil Rhodes would come down, or how they would make sure that the University gives more offers to state school students in future.

 

Appalling pun leaves RAG blind dates lacking applicants

Sources inside of Oxford RAG tell us that the number of applicants looking to find love on a RAG blind date next week have fallen by 500%, after a pun made by the SU’s VP for Charities and Communities on Twitter.

In response to our survey, most students have said that they would not find Bridge nightclub to be a ‘romantic’ location for a first date, but that they’d still give anything to be back there on Thursday night.

The Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

 

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