Sunday Roast: 5th week whos?

How was your week? Terrible? Yes, we thought so. At least it’s Sunday, which means Rordon Gamsay is back with a roundup of the week’s top hits.

Oxford careers service criticised for advertising “inaccessible” jobs

Many companies in the graduate jobs market have been criticised for their unrealistic expectations for positions considered “entry-level” or requirements beyond the expected pay. Notable examples have been unpaid internships requiring master’s degrees, or asking for 10+ years experience in fields less than 10 years old. 

Oxford University Careers Service has added itself to this growing list in its latest round of Target Jobs emails. A position of “Human Resources Manager” was advertised as requiring ‘people skills’ while those looking at entering the field of therapy were shocked to discover that empathy was a prerequisite to the role. One soon-to-be graduate said they were “astounded” that the Career’s Service was advertising these kinds of things to Oxford students. “It’s simply unreasonable to ask that, having spent 3 or 4 years living in such a diverse community, we could be expected to work well with others”. 

Rordon Gamsay spoke to a Professor of Behavioural Psychology, who explained that the Career’s Service had failed to understand it’s demographic. “Oxford is full of students who always did all the work in group projects, they should bear this in mind”. 

They were also accused of sexism for advertising jobs that allegedly excluded men from being eligible in practice. A position working in dating app Bumble’s algorithm department required that candidates “express an understanding of women’s dating preferences.” 

Further controversy emerged for the Career’s Service this week too. In an article titled “The Best Career You’ve Never Heard Of”, Oxford suggested Glass blowing, a profession invented in the first century BC in modern day Syria where products were exported all over the Roman Empire. 

Cambridge students expelled for creating ‘BNOC chat’ 

A number of students at Cambridge were sent down this week after creating a group chat for ‘BNOCs’ (big names on campus, a term often used by students as a synonym for ‘wanker’). Cambridge called the behaviour of its students ‘deeply embarrassing’, and has been supported in its swift action by Oxford, which has kicked out students for being self-proclaimed BNOCs in the past. 

A senior tutor at Cambridge told Rordon Gamsay that they were glad to see the university act swiftly to end the cycle of ‘toxic behaviour’, saying that not to act would be to the detriment of Cambridge’s public appearance. “Why be a BNOC when you could write anonymously in the Oxford Student’s Sunday Roast column, where everyone finds you funny and sexy and cool without knowing your identity?”, one anonymous source suggested. 

Starbucks on Cornmarket Street to close after being deemed ‘too basic’

Oxford students were indifferent to the news this week that the Starbucks on Cornmarket street would be closing, saying that the chain is neither quirky enough for students to get clout by visiting it, nor is it able to be rinsed for a free subscription deal every month. One Hilda’s second year asked “why go to Starbucks when it doesn’t even have a fancy French name worth trekking halfway across the city for?”

While a handful of freshers at Brasenose are sad that they will no longer be able to nip round the corner for a double venti macchiato frappe with soy cream, studies show that most Oxford students prefer to drink their coffee black anyway – 5 times a day, even on weekends.

Union hacks scramble to counter university’s new multi-factor authentication system 

Ahead of the 6th week ‘hunting season’, hopeful candidates for positions in the Oxford Union have been plotting in order to get around the university’s new multi-factor authentication system. MFA, which requires students to log in with a code sent to their mobile phones, will reportedly waste hacks several valuable minutes per day in the run up to elections. 

One candidate, who prefers to be anonymous, told Rordon Gamsay that MFA had dashed his hopes of winning a spot on the secretary’s committee. ‘Since none of us have any policies or ideas, sending hack messages is all we have to rely on – which always works, since people definitely read them and then go to vote for us.’ 

Prospective Welfare Rep pledges an alternative plan

One particularly bold potential Welfare Rep running for election has suggested that not going to Oxford University in the first place may be the remedy to many students’ woes. “Forget pidging free shit, or posting cute messages to everyone in lockdown. What would help most students immeasurably is going to another university.” Such a proposal, it is noted, would not impact the Welfare budget as significantly as ordering paint by numbers sets for the entire College. And, indeed, it would result in more money being available for embezzlement for said Reps – what easier way to gain free meal deals at Tesco?

Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory