Sunday Roast: Is there an election on or something?

News

Sun’s out…knees out? Rordon Gamsay, the OxStu’s tanline and park bench correspondant, is back with another run down of the week’s very important local news.


Cambridge in local lockdown after disease outbreak

Cambridge has been put into a localised lockdown after an outbreak of scabies in the university, after students contracted the disease this week by swimming in the River Cam. Local residents are furious to be dealing with scabies after being relatively unaffected by the coronavirus, probably because Cambridge students don’t go to parties anyway.

A source in Cambridge University has told Rordon Gamsay that they believe the silly freshers to have mistaken the term ‘tab’ for ‘scab’, erroneously believing that contracting the disease during Lent Term is a historical tradition.


Netflix to sue Cherwell newspaper for defamation

US streaming giant Netflix is pursuing legal action against the Cherwell newspaper for defamation and damages to the company’s image, after the paper used characters from its hit new drama Bridgerton for editorial application advertisements this term.

A spokesperson for Netflix told Rordon Gamsay: ‘We don’t care that they used our intellectual content, we just care that they did such a shit job of it. The paper isn’t even straight, and Daphne is so blurred that you can’t see her wonky fringe properly. Who would watch Bridgerton now?’

Inside sources say that Oxford SU has congratulated the Oxford Student on its consistently top-notch self promotion, describing the paper as ‘an absolute Chad’. The Oxford Blue declined to comment.


Study: Easing lockdown restrictions leaves Oxford students ‘unaffected’

A study conducted by higher education authorities has discovered that an easing of lockdown restrictions has little effect on student activity at the University. The number of students venturing beyond their bedrooms was not noticeably different compared to pre-lockdown.

The study was unable to pinpoint the exact cause of this phenomenon. University officials were keen to suggest a ‘disciplined attitude to studies’ left little time for social activities. “Our guidance is 8 hours work, 8 hours sleep, 8 hours for social life is the motto we enshrine in new students”. This mantra has received criticism for its apparent ignorance to the fact students must also travel, eat, and do basic household chores.

One anonymous student suggested an alternative explanation: “If you’ve never been following restrictions having them go away isn’t going to change much.”


Somerville College to run on ‘girl power’ after fossil fuel divestment

Following a recent announcement that the College will be divesting fully from fossil fuels, Somerville has confirmed it will make use of ‘girl power’ in its facilities.

The head of the College, in an official statement, said the College had a history of powered women. “Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher really paved the way for this decision. Not only did she effectively utilise her girl power abroad, but she was also an early proponent of the anti-fossil fuel movement.”

The move was met with apprehension from the student community. The JCR’s ‘giving the OxStu a comment’ rep said: “It’s strange to use Thatcher as an example of girl power because it’s well known she was dead inside.”


Fears grow that University staff are vampires

Earlier this week, the Vice-Chancellor (education) claimed that students were the ‘lifeblood of our academic community’ confirming long held fears that oxford tutors were, in fact, vampires.

Suspicion had previously been raised by the darkness of their offices, the coldness of their essay feedback, and the fact many look barely alive.

Several students took preventive measures, clearing out Tesco’s stock of garlic and fashioning make-shift stakes from the legs of desk chairs. While no tutors have been captured on camera sucking the life out of anyone, secondhand reports claim that oxford students frequently leave tutorials looking drained and paler than before they went in.

Among the student population, fears exist that peers have been converted by tutors, and reports claim to have seen students with mysterious marks on their neck wandering the grounds of colleges at late hours. It is believed that the enforcement of face coverings has allowed the vampires to conceal their fangs more easily.


The Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory

 

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