BREAKING – The Oxford Student to merge with Cherwell 

News

The Oxford Student and Cherwell have announced an upcoming merger in a bid to create a single Mega-student paper. 

The merger will allow the new paper to support more sections and more interactive media, including a weekly crossword puzzle, comic strips, and clickbait quizzes. 

Readers can also anticipate the launch of an entirely new section: Careers, featuring guides on standing for your first local election, tips for moving to London to take up that corporate job after graduation, and a tasteful selection of summer internship rejection letters.

The move will substantially reduce the environmental impact of Oxford’s student press and save college porters a lot of hassle transporting unread copies of the papers to the recycling.

When reached for comment, current OxStu Editor in Chief Isaac Healey said: “With the merger of our editorial teams, we have halved the time needed for article turnover and doubled our published output almost instantly. Pooling our resources has also freed up the budget to station our News reporters overseas, so readers can look forward to exciting reports from our new International Correspondents.”

“Best of all, this would cut my workload in half,” he added, before logging off and tapping in one of the three other Editors to take his place. 

In conjunction with the merger announcement, The Oxford Student and Cherwell are running a competition to select the name for the new paper. The competition is open to all Oxford students and staff, and the winner will receive merchandise featuring the current logos of both papers, expected to skyrocket in value after they cease to exist. 

“We’ve already tried ‘The Oxford Cherwell’ and ‘The Cherwell Student’, but they aren’t very catchy and frankly, we have no idea how to proceed from here,” admitted Natasha Tan, the Editor tapped in after Isaac’s strategic departure. “Not to sound desperate, but it would be really nice if someone helped us out, and if you win you could probably feature this on your CV or something.”

Trudy Ross, current Editor in Chief for Cherwell (and posh humanities student) commented: “The demand for student journalism is being grossly overestimated by posh humanities students. No university needs this many student publications, no matter how special Oxford thinks it is. We’ll be doing everyone a huge favour by cutting down the number of publications they need to apply to at the start of each term, as well as saving them the awkwardness of having to cancel an interview at the last minute.”

Abigail Howe, Editor in Chief at Cherwell, was too busy rewording Oxford Mail articles to provide a full comment but, after being tapped in by Trudy, confessed that “as student journalism in Oxford consists of reporting on the same people getting into scandals and others regurgitating lukewarm takes they’ll eventually pitch to the Telegraph, a merger shouldn’t be a surprise. The next plan is to unite all student newspapers across the UK in a mega ‘Unipaper’. At least then I’d know who I was competing with when I sold my soul for a potential internship at the Spectator”

Students have displayed a mixed reaction to the news; with one submission to the popular confessions page Oxfess 11: saying: “I can’t believe my favourite student publication will no longer exist!!! But at least when I write for the new Mega-Paper I can have one more thing to put on my CV.” 

Another student approached for comment about the proposed merger between the Oxford Student and Cherwell exclaimed: “Wait, there is a difference?!” Many others have expressed relief that they will no longer have to speculate about the pronunciation of Cherwell, something which the Oxford Student can exclusively reveal is unknown even to its editors.

Entries can be submitted via this link. The competition will run until April 2nd 2021, 23:59. 

The Oxford Student would like to urge any concerned parties from OSPL and Oxford SU to check the date.

 

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