Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.
After handing in his collections only 96 hours late, Rordon Gamsay panicked and forgot that he was meant to be doing this news thing. So he rushed out to the nearest pub taking walk-ins, and got right back to work…
The Oxford Student only Oxford newspaper not to be nominated at the SPA awards
The Oxford Student newspaper, despite being by far the best in the business, and definitely a newspaper (print edition incoming), was not shortlisted in any category for the 2021 SPA awards.
On hearing the news, Rordon Gamsay immediately took to Twitter to express his surprise and feeling of betrayal. Feelings improved only when he took to Google to figure out what the SPA is and ended up booking a weekend away at a luxury spa.
One student journalist, known for really insightful features pieces on astronomy and drinking coffee outside, expressed their disappointment that their meaningful contribution to society had not been recognised.
“I just feel invisible,” they commented, “I put so much effort into my piece on Oxford Fuckboys. I had to go on three whole Tinder dates for that.”
CORRECTION: The Flete and The Tab Oxford also received no nominations.
Oxford University bans fun and frivolity
In an email sent to students, and a few grumpy tweets, the University of Oxford has once again reminded its students that trashing is irritating, polluting, and absolutely no fun whatsoever.
As we approach the main exam season, staff at the University, clearly worried that students might enjoy themselves in any way, published a ‘Does and Don’ts’ list on their ‘Stop Trashing: Protect Our Community’ webpage.
Student response has not been at all mixed, with one of the exam-takers that Rordon Gamsay spoke to at Hassan’s this week stating that “it’s a bit of shaving foam on the grass. Shut up.”
Others echoed the student’s sentiments. “It’s been a really hard year, and all I want is to ruin a tuxedo and a gown with prosecco and chocolate sauce. I’ll even use the silly petal confetti – like those awful eco-warriors.”
“What are they going to do? Fine us?”
(Editor’s disclaimer: this is not intended as advice)
Martin Williams Appreciation Society launches with a bang
Last week, an email sent out by Pro-Vice-Chancellor for Education Martin Williams announced a more democratic approach to the application process for returning to Oxford in person ahead of the new term. In response to this, a group of exuberantly grateful humanities students have set up a society in his honour: the Martin Williams Appreciation Society.
“It’s thanks to him that we are able to return for Trinity at all this year,” the Society’s President, Ty Tarse, told Rordon Gamsay. “I mean, we don’t even know if it was him who made the decision. All he did was put his name at the bottom of an email. But we felt a manifestation of our gratitude was necessary.”
This positive news story must come as a relief to the Pro-Vice-Chancellor, whose reputation suffered last term following a series of damaging public scandals. Maddened by the lack of responses to the Student Barometer Survey, in Hilary 5th Week Mr Williams went so far as to adopt the Diogenes method of living exclusively in a barrel positioned at the entrance to Turl Street and accosting bystanders with expletive-laden reminders to complete said survey. This alarming development was brought to an end only thanks to the kindly intervention of the Lincoln College porters, who could no longer tolerate the stench of human refuse emanating from the barrel and polluting the lodge when they were having tea breaks.
“What’s the Student Barometer Survey?” asked Martin Williams Appreciation Society President Ty Tarse when pressed for comment on this past incident.
This piece is intended as a piece of satire and should not be taken as defamatory.