EXCLUSIVE: OXSTU NEWS IS VERY EXCLUSIVE

News OxYou

Rordon Gamsay has recovered (almost) from May Day by resetting his body clock and ascending to a higher plane of existence. He has currently been awake for over 72 hours. He is no longer sure how to spell his own name, or the word ‘yacht’? ‘yot’? Zero clue, zero cares, zero sleep. His term is crumbling before his eyes, but he still made the effort to go out and find out all the stupid stuff you lot have been up to this week…

EXCLUSIVE: CHERWELL LOVES EXCLUSIVE NEWS

‘EXCLUSIVE!! OUR NEWS IS EXCLUSIVE!!’, Cherwell declared on Friday (and Thursday, and the Wednesday before that as well). The news? Seemingly, that their exclusive news would cease to be exclusive when anyone with a working Outlook app checked their emails. In spite of being posted at 3pm the ‘exclusive’ in the headline was removed at 3:01pm, presumably when a rapid email checking individual – in this case Rordon Gamsay, ever one for organisation – did just that.

When interviewed, Cherwell News Editor Delora Foxtrot-Frudham had this to say. ‘We’re just doing our duty as the go-to investigative source that the whole of Oxford relies on. In fact, I’d go as far as to say we’re the only newspaper ever’. Before she walked away to write an exclusive report about what side Louise Richardson butters her toast on, she asked, ‘Can I claim this as an exclusive interview myself? Apparently our satire section isn’t doing too Cher-well’.

Reports that the ‘exclusive’ in the headlines actually refers to the private school connections their reporters exploit in order to find out the Oxford Union Termcard remain unproved.

 

BREAKING: Students react to collections results

With the end of 1st week comes the inevitable return of collections, and intrepid roving reporter Rordon Gamsay went out this weekend to scout opinion on the matter, wearing a full balaclava and a fluorescent high-vis jacket to stay inconspicuous whilst remaining safe. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say about their performance: “I mean, I did pretty well considering everything,” Chris Christopherson (Balliol ’19) told Gamsay. “In the week before I was due to sit collections, I procrastinated so much I reread all my old Charlie and Lola books, then took up paper mache. I got a 27 on the paper, of course, but I did remember that I should never, not ever, eat a tomato and also made a really nice vase for my windowsill. It’s amazing what you can achieve with just newspaper, glue, and an imminent deadline to ignore.”

The Oxford Student received reports of loud wailing coming from a window on Holywell Street, but it turned out this was unrelated to collections results. Having gone to ‘investigate’ this on Saturday evening, Rordon Gamsay has not been seen since. [We are somewhat worried. Rordon, if you’re still there, please come back. We miss you. – Dep. Ed.]

 

WOW: St John’s JCR tries to make COVID safety posters ‘fun’

The posters read “Keep this window open throughout meetings. Escape through it on bad first dates.” Rordon Gamsay spoke to some St John’s students, who admitted that they had never actually been on a first date in a JCR, but had employed the window trick in the past. “I was actually banned from Tinder in my first year,” Milo O’Barrett-Felixson admitted. “So I haven’t been on a first date since. Because I hate zoom, anyone who meets me in person seems to immediately decide that it wouldn’t be worth it, and no one will go on a blind date anymore in case they catch something.” Another student commented that they did not in fact love the smell of hand sanitiser, due to a recent night out. “We ran out of vodka, and improvised,” they explained, “and now I am sick every time I smell it. To be honest, it’s not the first time I’ve thrown up in the JCR either.”

The statement that masks are fashionable and not simply the cause of face acne has yet to be empirically proven. However reports that the hand sanitiser will soon be served at the John’s bar will, of course, be assessed by Rordon Gamsay in due time. Just give him until this Thursday, he’s still recovering from May Morning. At least the John’s bar promises to be a better experience than that ‘Nowhere to Go’ ball nonsense… x

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

 

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