The One When No One Ran for SU President

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Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”. 

It’s fourth week, which means that there are only four more weeks to go! Rordon has been particularly busy this week, which is why he might have sent you a strange Facebook friend request…

Rordon Gamsay Runs for SU President: 

Other SU presidential candidates expressed shock and consternation as dark horse candidate Rordon Gamsay entered the race for Oxford’s spiciest job.

Rordon Gamsay exclusively told Rordon Gamsay: “Quite frankly I’ve been bored ever since the novelty of sitting in a beer garden with the rain pissing down on me wore off. So I’ve decided to annoy every person unfortunate enough to have met me for five minutes by requesting to follow them on Instagram.”

“This is how society will move forward. Viva la revolution.”

SU frontrunner Anne Oyingperson refused to give a comment to Rordon Gamsay for this piece, understandably. However, once Rordon had put on an unconvincing Scottish accent and rang her up again, she confided that “Rordon Gamsay doesn’t have a chance in this race. I’ve been pretending to be left wing ever since I was six years old. Every society in Oxford has had me click interested on their Facebook events. Rordon is going down.”

Cowley Tesco closure forces Phys-Phil students into Oxford

The closure of the Cowley Road Tesco for renovation has forced students who had until this point ventured no further than 100m from their room all term to walk all the way to the other, smaller Tesco. 

This has resulted in longer queues for the supermarket, as stubborn students refuse to shop at Sainsbury’s “because it’s too expensive”. Many STEM students have been spotted by people other than their housemates for the first time since returning to Oxford. The situation is expected to get worse once all students can return on the 17th, with one commenting “I’ve never seen the Tescalator so congested”. 

Rordon Gamsay spoke to one Christ Church student, who said that the closure and congestion had not affected him at all, as he ate all his meals in Turf, and bought snacks only from Marks & Spencer. 

Angered rowers declare war on the weather

A week of hefty rainfall and strong winds has fostered disappointment amongst the rowers of Oxford, many of whom were forced to cancel their outings due to the poor conditions. 

Hugh Jelegs, who ominously titles himself ‘the Caligula of Cowley’, has gone one step further and declared war on the weather.

“Rowers are a marginalised group at this university,” he declared on Friday. “We’re already oppressed by the jealousy of all other students, who enviously stare at our ripped thighs and scarily high stroke rate. Now the heavens themselves have come down against us, and we will not stand for it.”

When Gamsay asked whether the current conditions were perhaps a sign from God, passing judgement against getting up at 5am to wear unflattering lycra and paddle around the same stretch of water for two hours, Mr Jelegs walked away in a huff. 

The dearth of water outings led to some college rowers going to desperate lengths to stay afloat, with one crew from Oriel constructing a boat out of cardboard boxes and yelling ‘hold it up on stroke side!” at each other for over half an hour. This was met with general confusion from those who happened to be on Broad Street at 6am yesterday.

 

This piece is intended as a piece of satire and should not be taken as defamatory. 

 

 

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