SUNDAY ROAST WEEK 7: CHOOSE LOVE NOT SLATE

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Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”. 

After a week off (fifth week hit Rordon hard), our resident student *journalist* returned this week to the streets of Oxford in the pursuit of a good story. He didn’t find any, but he did bump into Matt Hancock on Holywell, which led to an interesting incident with a balloon (no welfare animals were harmed in the accident with the Health Secretary). 

SHOCK: UNIVERSITY CANCELS GOOD WEATHER

The University of Oxford revealed that it had taken the drastic decision to contact the relevant celestial authorities and “turn off” the recent summery weather.

A spokesperson told Rordon Gamsay: “frankly it looked as if students were actually having a modicum of fun for the first time in a year and a half, which constitutes a serious threat to the authority of the University. If we let our students have fun, they might emerge from their current state of inertia and realise we actually don’t know what we’re doing half the time”.

Rordon also spoke to a Merton student, who appeared totally unaware that there had in fact been nice weather. “You see Rordon, I haven’t had cause to go outside in a month. I don’t have anyone to see and the company of books has been more than enough. The weather in the library is always good”.

Rordon Gamsay has reached out to the divine PR department for comment.

IN REVIEW: 5TH WEEK “WELFARE” INITIATIVES

Following on from 5th Week, the point in term at which the entire student body is meant to be depressed, Rordon Gamsay took it upon himself to investigate the various initiatives offered by colleges to alleviate those blues.

Christ Church went with a left-field approach, organising groups of students out on the Meadow with welfare reps going up to students one by one to offer them words of encouragement (‘you are valued’) followed by a slap in the face to humble them for being from Christ Church. They also decided to ban trashing, and repeatedly locked the gates in the middle of the day.

Over at St Anne’s, the lack of college tortoise or other animal representative, and severe budgetary restraints created a desperate situation for the welfare team, who were reduced to offering a ‘take a stone for walk’ session using pebbles scavenged together from local neighbourhood driveways. One student interviewed said they had a ‘decent’ time, despite the stone they were ‘walking’ constantly falling out of its string harness.

One LMH JCR committee member asked about the questionable utility of 5th Week welfare initiatives had this to say: “I mean, we could ask for systematic change from the University to change the archaic working patterns of its students that result in us all crying whilst eating Frosties out of the pack five weeks into term. Or, we could hire a bouncy castle and some wacky animals and pretend everything’s fine for the afternoon. I know which I’d prefer.”

*MASSIVE* SHOCK: UNION SLATE DELETES TINDER PROFILE AFTER ZERO MATCHES

The Union slate “Closed” admitted yesterday that it had “closed” its naff publicity-seeking Tinder profile after no one swiped right.

Closed’s presidential candidate told Rordon Gamsay: “It came as a real shock to all of us to find out that no one wants to talk to us. Obviously, we’ve dealt with the heckling in the streets and the comments on our Facebook posts telling us to fuck off, but we always thought that was just a joke. It’s a shame – we’ve all got great personalities and ten amazing pledges which you and I both know we’ll never have to implement.

“But this setback makes me seriously ponder the chance that we’ll lose this election to another, even more annoying slate. I guess I’ll just have to become director of operations or something.”

After receiving over 30 invitations to like Facebook pages in the past few days, Rordon could no longer listen to dead Union chat. He ended the conversation after Closed’s candidate asked if he was a Union member and whether he could spare five seconds of his time to register to vote.

 

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