BREAKING: NEWS – GAMSAY RETURNS FOR 0TH WEEK

OxYou

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In a return as triumphant as that of the Jedi, the King, or your termly SFE payment, the OxStu’s most high-profile and incident-prone reporter Rordon Gamsay returns to dish out all the news you might have missed out on this 0th Week. Last year saw him failing to win a single Student Journalism Award, despite surviving a kidnapping attempt and becoming SU President alongside his obligations to the OxStu. However, he hopes this week’s scoops garner a deeper appreciation from the wider Oxford community – after all, no one is better respected or liked amongst the student body than a student journalist! [Freshers, the link to join the OxStu Contributors’ Group is on this website. Please join us. Please. – Dep. Ed.]

NO WAY: Cause of the OxYou editorial team’s big-headedness revealed

The entire OxYou editorial team were subject to an invasive medical examination over the summer after waking up one morning with significantly larger heads than usual. At first this was thought to be because of swelling induced by the ritual Midsommar ‘head-banging’ ceremony (Gamsay was unable to source further details from the team on this obscure practise), but was later revealed simply to be the result of a collective inflated ego.

Further investigations from medical staff discovered that this arrogance was stemmed from the endorsement of the section by a certain bucket hat-company-owning participant of Love Island 2021 – previous resident of Oxford, Chuggs Wallis. 

The editor of OxYou, Extreme Lee Funny, told Gamsay: “We will never top this moment. Ever. He might not even have read the article. But who cares, he knows we exist and that’s all that matters. I’m going to name my firstborn Chuggs in his honour.”

SHOCKING: Tesco medicine shortages ‘not because of Brexit’

There were troubling scenes this weekend when the hungover populace of Oxford discovered that the shelves of Magdalen Street Tesco were devoid of Paracetamol. Despite initial concerns that this was, as with everything these days, ‘because of bloody Brexit’, Tesco released a statement asserting that the shortage was due to the amazing prevalence of Freshers’ Flu this 0th Week, which had led sniffing students to buy out the painkillers shelves in droves.

“No one could have seen this coming,” one Fresher croaked, interviewed clutching a pack of Strepsils, some Lemsip, and a fistful of ragged tissues. “I mean, we’ve barely been outside for a year and a half, and now having gone around the Bridge smoking area hugging everyone I know, and everyone I don’t, I get ill? Make it make sense.”

Famous faces to succumb to Freshers’ flu include our holy SU President, Anvee Bhutani, the writer of this very article [Illness is no excuse for missing deadlines, Rordon – Dep. Ed.], and every other person on your staircase who went clubbing for more than 5 minutes this week.

INVESTIGATION: College families already fraught with hidden tension

0th Week saw an influx of fresh meat – I mean, freshers, and with them the requisite formation of college families. Rordon Gamsay took it upon himself to interview both parents and children to investigate the deeper meaning of these unique relationships. 

One disappointed parent from Balliol said this about their child: “I’ve been projecting my own aspirations and insecurities onto them all summer, so it was actually quite sad when we met and I realised he didn’t want to join Star Trek Society, nor did he suffer from crippling nightmares about entering a tutorial wearing only Christmas-themed socks. In fact, he actually seemed to be quite a well-rounded, stable person. I can’t stand it!”

Gamsay’s only words of consolation were that the child has only spent a week at Oxford so far, and might evolve into a more damaged yet improved companion once the year was up. 

Another parent, studying history at St Hilda’s, revealed that they actually loathed their college wife: “I met her in Fresher’s Week, and proposed after we’d drunk a bottle of wine each. I wasn’t in my right mind. I would divorce her, but I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home.”

Gamsay refrained from offering his other words of consolation, which were that most college families are like real families, in that most only meet once a year, if that, and spend the rest of the time complaining about or trying to avoid each other. 

EXCLUSIVE: Pigeon causes havoc at the Freshers’ Fair

On Thursday lunchtime, the Freshers’ Fair was blighted by an unexpected visitor: a pigeon, who misguidedly flew into the marquee and caused havoc amongst the stalls. The marquee, which had been set up in Uni Parks as an COVID-safe alternative to usual practise, was soon resplendent with bird poo, as well as the warmth of several thousand bodies all breathing, shouting, and jostling against each other in the stale humidity only a canvas tent can provide. 

Representatives of the Oxford University Conservative Association said they felt ‘personally harassed’ by the intruder, after their stall was splattered more liberally than others. They later accused the Oxford University Labour Club (OULC) of letting the pigeon in on purpose as a pointed political attack; the OULC denied the allegations, although conceded that the incident was perhaps reflective of Keir Starmer’s current tenure as leader of the opposition.

The rest of the Freshers’ Fair passed without incident or controversy. As far as Rordon Gamsay can tell, absolutely nothing else of interest happened that day. Did he mention he’s decided to unlike Oxfess…?

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

 

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