EXCLUSIVE: COUGHS AND SNEEZES SPREAD DISEASES

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Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.

By now the Oxford student body has realised it’s probably time to actually do their degree. It can’t be fun and Freshers’ flu all the time! But never fear, whilst you were procrastinating doing your problem sheet with five Tesco visits in as many hours, the intrepid Rordon Gamsay was out and about recording all the exciting news stories you missed this week. One even involves a bus. Exciting!

OMG: TERM’S STUDIES RESUME AS NORMAL

1st Week meant a return to work for most Oxford students, and for many the first fully in-person week of teaching in over a year and a half. Virtual lectures were finally replaced by the real thing – except for engineering students, whose department decided not to bother quitting Teams. The department email explaining the choice not to return to in-person learning contained only one sentence: “It’s up to you besties xoxox”. Gamsay tried to find an engineer to make a comment, but none was to be found, presumably because all students were still stuck in their rooms on Canvas.

For Second Years, 1st Week was their first chance to properly appreciate the full Oxford experience. Gamsay attempted to interview a Biochemistry Second Year as they left the lecture theatre, but was unable to register their responses due to the intense soundscape of coughing that dominated the room. “It’s not Covid,” his interviewee insisted, before proceeding to shower him in a light spray of snot as they too began to cough. The world of reporting, Gamsay notes, is not without its hazards, with being coughed on coming a close second to the famous Trinity kidnapping incident in terms of traumatic experiences endured in the quest of The Scoop.

BREAKING: IN-PERSON MATRICULATION RETURNS

Yesterday saw the return of another traditional component of the Oxford Michaelmas: the matriculation ceremony, which last year was forced to be held virtually due to government restrictions. Freshers from all colleges were to be seen parading about in their distinctive gowns, leaving a trail of smashed bottles of Lambrini and clip-on bow ties in their wake.

This weekend also happened to be the date of the Oxford Half Marathon, which led to busy scenes in the city centre. One student interviewed on the High Street, jostled about by the Freshers, other students, Brookes students, students’ parents, marathon runners, friends and family of marathon runners, locals, Dons, Deans, teenagers, retirees, tourists, annoying tourists, Cotswolds residents heading to John Lewis, taxis, bikes, and buses, had this to say: “Fucking hell.”

SHOCKING: SPEAKERS AT STUDENT EVENTS NOT AS INTERESTING AS BILLED

Freshers have complained to Rordon that events that societies describe as ‘interesting’ actually have a tendency to go on a bit, and speakers often say things that don’t really make sense. 

One student political society, which shall remain unnamed but does host Port and Policy, was criticised heavily for being incredibly dull. A fresher who swears that they wandered into the event by mistake complained about watered-down port, and strange speakers screaming in a church. 

“It was all a bit much really,” The student told Rordon, “and someone spilt port on my new dress shirt. I had to turn up to matriculation with an enormous stain on my sub fusc! My signet ring was stolen, and my papa will absolutely kill me when he sees the state of his jacket that I ‘borrowed’.” 

NO WAY: BUS HITS THE SU AND NO ONE NOTICES

A bus this week hit the back entrance of the SU. This initially went unnoticed by the students of Oxford University, none of whom know where the SU Building is. 

The SU Buildings are still open to students, who are free to continue not to use them. Rordon Gamsay has suggested a ‘steal a brick’ campaign in order to spread awareness of the plight of the smashed-up wall that the bus hit. Any student that presents him with a brick from the SU Wall will receive a shout out in the next Sunday Roast, both for being a legend, and also for figuring out where the SU is.

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

 

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