Agony Aunt: I put the “agony” in “agony aunt”

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Hi everyone, and a belated welcome to Oxford to anyone who is attending their first term here! I’m really glad to be back, and among seeing very few familiar faces (*pretentious voice* ‘Oh, didn’t you know I suspended and worked from home, daahling?’) I have made some wonderful new friends, including a few dogs. It’s mainly dogs, actually.

Let’s get into the questions! 

I met a man at home and I’m wondering if I like him as more than a friend, or if the torturous Oxford term is making me create a fantasy to escape into. How do I know if it’s platonic or romantic? 

Well I always think about these things in quite a straightforward way, at least at first. 

Is he handsome? Do you think about kissing him? Being with him, having candlelit dinners under the stars? If so, it’s probably that you like him.

If you only fantasise like this when you’re away from him, well that’s when it gets complicated. We’ve all heard it before. You might be in love with the idea of having someone, rather than the person themselves.

Also if you’ve already kissed him, done the deed and literally lived with him… but you just don’t call him your Boyfriend-with-a-capital-B? Then you’ll have to analyse why this is. It might be that he isn’t ready, not you. And finally, you’ve got to accept that you left Platonic Station 15 stops back. You’re now at Messy Relationship Canyon.

Love (don’t get any ideas, though), Bronwyn.

Dear Bronwyn, I am in a foreign country where nobody values my work experience because I don’t have any certificates to prove my worth. What can I do?

Hmm, a toughie.

You could try and talk to a careers adviser? But also, be careful not to confuse your career-potential with your life-potential.

You can have a fulfilling, interesting life filled with amazing, or simply adequate* experiences without having a high-flying career. I know that, coming from Oxford, it’s a bit rich coming from me. I will admit, if I had gotten as mentally poorly as I did before suspension at any other university, I 100% would not have come back. Give yourself permission to change careers, to change countries as you have, to change at all. But don’t use that as an excuse to run away when things get difficult.

So maybe from that perspective, keep on trucking. I know it can be hard, but academia can be worth it, if only to beat the people who value it above everything else at their own game. Maybe in the future you can change the system to make it fairer.

All the best, Bronwyn.

*adequate is absolutely the best thing to aim for, in my opinion. Adequate = satisfied.

Dear Aunty why are women always crying and moody? My girlfriend is just a nightmare and I just want to have SEX and she is just so moody? Sexplain? Am I unreasonable

Hi there. 

Women are crying and moody because we have to deal with people like you.

Next question.

My marriage is falling apart because the sex is so bad and he doesn’t know how to please me, so I’ve had to look elsewhere. Help me!

Oh god, just… go get therapy or something? Maybe tell him how you feel?? Don’t resort to agony aunts to save your marriage? That’s a good piece of advice there.

Where is this ‘elsewhere’ that you’re looking? Down the bloody side streets? Tinder dot com? It begs an answer.

Oh, listen to Love (Sweet Love) by Little Mix, as well. Brilliant song and quite relevant to this.

B

Dear Aunty I write a newspaper column where I have to ask for other people’s experiences but nobody is submitting any, so I asked my family and 90% of the answers are about sex.

Wow, this is a real doozy.

Maybe you should ask more of these new friends you supposedly have, rather than relying on your family.

Bronwyn

Dear Aunty how do I get pregnant?? I don’t have a boyfriend but when I get one I am going to get pregnant, can you help??

Go to a sperm bank, you nutter.

…

Alright. That’s it for this week. I look forward to chatting again, hopefully with less of my family members, and hopefully with less strange horndogs (disturbing that these overlap). Ciao.

Got a problem? Hard to describe? Are you lonely? Filled with regret? Do you lie awake at night, pondering the logical inconsistencies of the 2007 direct-to-dvd movie ‘Bratz: Fashion Pixiez’? Do you really still think about how Olivia didn’t invite you to her birthday party in Year 9, right after you had invited her to yours? Are you constipated? Submit your question HERE! (It’s anonymous, and I promise I won’t laugh).