NEWS: ‘NO MORE NEWS’, EDITORS CLAIM

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.

This week, roving reporter Rordon Gamsay failed to obtain tickets for the Varsity ski trip or the Union ball. However, he did manage to find all these juicy scoops, and the time to complain about the ticket purchasing process for the aforementioned events via several pointedly bitchy comments on Oxfess.

NEWS: ‘NO MORE NEWS’, EDITORS CLAIM

First petrol, then Nando’s, and now news: there were startling scenes in Oxford as its tribes of student journalists were affected by a shortage of current events to cover.

“As it turns out, you don’t really need three student newspapers to report the goings-on at one university in one small city in Oxfordshire,” a saddened editor at the Cherwell revealed to Gamsay. “We haven’t had anything proper to report for weeks. Just yesterday we devoted a whole page to a story about a mobility scooter breaking down on Turl Street. The situation is simply dire.”

As the only newspaper worth reading, the OxStu remains unaffected by these developments. Quality coverage of important scenes, such as the teddy bears available for purchase at last week’s SU stash sale, are still posted daily.

‘News’ has been contacted for comment.

BOO-HOO: MAGDALEN NOW RICHER THAN JOHN’S

This week it was revealed that Magdalen, after selling its stake in a science park, has overtaken St John’s to become the wealthiest college in Oxford. This has led to an identity crisis for many John’s students, whose only previous defining characteristic was being loaded.

“If we can’t be known as the richest college anymore, who even are we?” Rich E. R. Thanyou, a John’s second year, wailed to Gamsay. “We have no other personality as students or as a college. Now we’ll simply be known as ‘that one next to Balliol’, or ‘the college with no phone signal on certain networks’. It’s humiliating.”

Other colleges in Oxford had different reactions to this news. Notably, the Permanent Private Halls and the ex-women’s colleges are known to have spent the week sobbing into their empty wallets, wondering if a term of welfare events could be funded using miscellaneous 20 pence pieces, a moth-eaten magician’s outfit, and ongoing bitterness towards miserly wealthy alumni. 

BREAKING: HACKING ‘NOT A REAL SPORT’

Efforts by Oxford’s network of hacks to get their work recognised as an official sport by the University have failed. This is despite the persistent claims of the hacks that hacking requires strenuous physical effort due to the volume of typed messages and walks required to win over potential voters.

“I’m really disappointed in this outcome,” one Union committee hopeful told Gamsay. “I burn 1000 calories a day harassing people on Messenger to support my cause, and election season isn’t even in full swing yet. I really thought I was on my way to becoming a Blue.”

BREAKING: CLARENDON CENTRE ‘NOT A GRAVEYARD’

After rumours of its being haunted due to the ghostly white flooring, and the fact that it is consistently devoid of human life, Oxford City Council has been forced to make a statement regarding the Clarendon Shopping Centre. 

“It is not a graveyard,” a Council representative insisted. “I mean, no one goes there, nor has ever gone there, but the TK Maxx is still thriving.”

One student interviewed outside McDonald’s did not know what the Clarendon Centre was. Another described the shopping corridor as “a dystopian capitalist sanatorium”. Reports that it will soon be bulldozed so that Jesus College can embark on a building project on the site, thereby continuing their disruptive tyranny over Cornmarket Street, were unable to be confirmed by Gamsay. 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.