Hell’s Kitchen: A recipe for a Labour party that can win elections

Image description: text ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ against a red background with sketches of cooking utensils 

This dessert is a true British classic dating back to the early 20th century. Versions of the dish exist outside Britain, such as the Social Democratic Party of Germany, the Democratic Labour party of Spain or the Parti Socialiste in France. However, since its brief revival in the late 90s finding the perfect recipe for a Labour party that can win an election has been hard to come by here in the UK. Indeed, nearly a whole generation have never experienced the joy of breaking through a successful Labour party’s crispy caramelised mixed alliance of social democrats, democratic socialists and trade unionists that sits atop its thick creamy custard bliss of Keynesian influenced third way economics and its left leaning social agenda. This week I hope to provide a recipe that will aid in the people’s search to rediscover this classic dessert with its unmatched silky, rich quality that will leave you rubbing your belly, fully satisfied.

An initial draft of this recipe might be defined by the more misleading images of this classic desert that have come to popularity in recent decades. I might recommend  a cup of purging the red left, a hearty teaspoon of the return of the prodigal son, 6 mL of Malcolm Tucker and half a cup of nationalise M&S.

Instead I want to detail a more professional, high class, dinner party recipe for a desert that I believe still maintains strong potential to help this country. A successful Labour party that can win an election is not a jovial topic, despite recent circumstances. Instead, it is a tasty achievement possible through certain harsh and unfavourable ingredients.




– 2 cups of hope: fundamental to this recipe is ensuring that hope resonates across the party. It cannot be swayed by decade of losses.

– Equally important is two x 1/2 litres of blind faith and a unified message mixed beforehand: A unified message is critical in ensuring this recipe reaches its full potential while blind faith in that message ensures your creation has a sturdy foundation. More practically this means cutting out dissenters and streamlining party membership behind your message. That doesn’t mean their ideas don’t hold value, it is simply what is necessary to garner power, thus have the most flavoursome creation.

– 1 1/2 cups (375 mL) of conviction: an ingredient that ensures your dessert is ready for confrontation, it has its message and it is sticking to it. Conviction ensures that the electorate can envisage the party handling the serious business of government. Similarly this ingredient also means your desert is formed from what is known to have worked, it is not swayed by the loud minority. Without conviction you desert lacks its necessary sturdiness and the caramalised top will simply fold.

– 1 tsp ( 5 mL) of talk to the many not the few: this ingredient makes certain that you get out of London! Elections have been lost. The previous message did not entice the majority clearly. With this 1 tsp you can make yourself far more relatable to them.

Few alterations of this could include a 1/4 cup of a  progressive alliance or 1 oz of a  charismatic leader who papers over the cracks



– Preheat partisan support by limiting party membership to certain members, late 90s popularity of this recipe indicate this is a technique proven to result is a delicious Labour party who can win elections.

– Next, marry these ingredients together in a saucepan whisking them together with the rollout of a new party slogan, past popularisations of this recipe have included ‘Britain deserves better’ ‘New Labour’ , ‘New Life for Britain’ or ‘The New Britain’

– Subsequently just before serving, sprinkle a set of policies (there is no need of for these to be overly revolutionary, the ideological ingredients provided beforehand will ensure these policies will be appealing to the electorate)  evenly over the surface of the desert.

– Finally using a mini torch of patriotism heat these policies ensuring the desert maintains its necessary hard top of policy above a silky cream of ideology. Indeed the mini torch of patriotism ensures your creation comes together in a firm texture and voila! Your Labour party that can win elections is ready to serve.


Image credit: Amina Lounas