Hell’s Kitchen: Recipe for a successful football team

Image description: Text ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ on a red background with illustrations of kitchen utensils 

This breaded snack is a culinary joy that many crave but few can have. A successful football team with its sugary flavour of conquering the rest, soft crumb of overcoming past adversity and its moist texture of bragging rights is an everlastingly, mouthwatering treat that few have have ever been able to find a good recipe for. Of course there exists a variety of recipes for this creation, the Chelsea, Man City and Man United models come to mind, yet this creation with its tantalising mixture of energy, passion, long-term planning and unwavering conviction to the cause makes it by far my favourite recipe for a successful football team.

Important to conceiving this alluring snack is fully appreciating what a successful football team is. You can’t know if you’ve properly followed the recipe, without knowing what your creation should look and taste like. Despite the cries of those who long for a time without superstars, sold out stadiums or Sky Sports- success is nothing more than winning trophies on a regular basis. It is not some ideological mishmash of maintaining the ‘old ways’ or keeping it ‘real’ with the fans. No, a successful football team is, like in any sport, one that can consistently win the big trophies, nothing more nothing less.


– 140g of a sugar daddy— For this ingredient there is no specific variation, a bazillionaire owner from Russia, the Middle East, China or even America will fit the bill

– 50g of a proper manager (just banter Ole)— A tactical master and keen man manager is fundamental to ensure the success of your club. Ensure not to employ former managers or a certain golem lookalike from Norway….

– A handful of young talented players  — Grooming a nucleus of young, energetic, generational talents will ensure the continuity of your success both on the pitch and financially as more and more fans will be drawn to this talented young core— see the examples of the United class of ’99, or the Barcelona team of 2008.

– 140g of a real fanbase — Guiding your team to success will be far easier and more long-lasting with a core of fans who will follow your team with  blind faith

– 1 large media partner — Okay, I admit, this may seem like a slightly shady ingredient to include. However, a large media partner, especially one linked to a large populated market like that of China or the Middle East, will ensure long-term financial success for your team.

– 1tsp of Don’t be called Tottenham — Tottenham are crap, don’t be Tottenham


There is no specific method for this recipe. Acquiring these ingredients is process enough. Once they have been obtained, a flavoursome successful football team is all but guaranteed.

Indeed, the difficulty associated with acquiring these ingredients means there exists potential alternatives. The most obvious, and in many ways only, alternative option to this recipe is simply to support Chelsea. Chelsea are and will forever be the greatest team. If you can’t find these ingredients simply follow the rest of us and just be part of greatness.  UTC.


Image credit: Amina Lounas