WOW: THE OXSTU TO CHANGE ITS NAME AFTER HISTORIC DONATION

OxYou

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”

Another week, another roast… For this edition, Rordon Gamsay hit new lows in pursuit of the elusive beast that is News, appearing on a dishonoured TV station and having a tense conversation with the police to discuss his methods. However, he is pleased to note that the scoops in question were worth the effort exerted to attain them. And surely next week, the Oxford term’s 5th, will be less depressing? [Oh dear, Rordon… – Dep. Ed.]

OMG: NEWSPAPER TO REBRAND AS ‘THE BHUTANI STUDENT’

Following on from Linacre’s historic decision to rename itself Thao College after an enormous donation, The Oxford Student has also taken the unprecedented step of rebranding itself in the wake of a sizable financial bequest. 

Previously having a budget of nothing, lobbying from the SU has meant the OxStu now receives a grant of £10 a week. To honour this generous gift, the paper has decided to rebrand as ‘The Bhutani Student’ in honour of the SU President, Anvee Bhutani, who committed the cash.

“This money will change the OxStu’s – I mean, BhuStu’s life,” one editor-in-chief gushed. “I can’t believe our luck. Now we can print even more copies of the paper to leave in JCRs for the student public to ignore, and perhaps hire a better journalist than that idiot Gamsay.”

Gamsay has approached Gamsay for comment.

HOORAY: TERM HALFWAY DONE

4th Week, being the 4th week out of an 8 week term, naturally marks the halfway point of Michaelmas 2021. [Is this really news…? – Dep. Ed.] To celebrate this landmark, Gamsay set out for Hollywell Street to interview students who were absolutely engaged with his questions, and not at all irritably waiting for the Alternative Tuck Shop to finish making their sandwich. 

“We’re halfway through the term?!” one aghast student exclaimed when told the fact. “What the f*** have I been doing for the past four weeks?!”

Others took a more morose attitude to the news. “I’m so tired, Rordon,” one bleary eyed Second Year lamented. “If the welfare team at my college weren’t about to pidge everyone a small quantity of chocolate to ‘cheer us up’, I would be close to running away to become a nun. If I have to write one more essay the morning after a Park End Wednesday, I’m going to throw up – again.”

NO WAY: GAMSAY TO APPEAR ON GB NEWS

After a failed attempt to talk with Julia Hartley-Brewer on Talk Radio about his incredibly important opinions on the minutiae of Oxford life, Rordon Gamsay, current EoC (Editor of Chief) will appear on GB News with their political editor. 

Gamsay told Gamsay: “A friend of mine works there and they’re literally desperate for content. Their editor went to OUCA recently and wasn’t recognised at the bar afterwards, so he’s looking to cover more Oxford-related things to boost his profile and to try and hide the fact he went to Durham.”

The Oxford Student will of course report up-to-the-minute viewing figures, when they climb above 1. 

INVESTIGATION: NIGHT CLIMBERS CAUGHT IN SITU (MAYBE)

This week Gamsay took on the task of trying to catch the elusive Night Climbers, who in recent months do not seem to have done much except post purposefully bait-y pictures of their activities on Oxfess.

Gamsay set out at an hour that was far past his bedtime (9pm) to begin his search. He wore all-black for concealment, with a balaclava to hide his identity and a pair of night-vision goggles strapped around his neck, sold to him at a suspiciously low price by Steve from Gumtree. 

However, as he tiptoed around Radcliffe Square in the dark he was accosted by one of the Brasenose College porters, who immediately called the police and detained Gamsay on the grounds of suspicious activity. 

Gamsay endured heroically in the name of The Scoop, holding up against withering police questioning and accusations of attempted burglary. He was also informed by the authorities that his night-vision goggles were nothing more than Zoggs goggles with green tape pasted over the lenses.

Gamsay, after proving his incompetence and ignorance, has since been released from custody, and remains optimistic about next week’s undercover investigation into the Piers Gaveston Society.

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

 

Sign up for the newsletter!


Want to contribute? Join our contributors’ group here or email us – click here for contact details