Agony aunt: anti-agony

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Image description: White character holding up a sign that says ‘Agony Aunt’ on a background of grass and flowers

Hello my beautiful nieces, nephews and niephlings (I do my research). 5th week is here, and here at the OxStu we wanted to make it a celebration! Of sorts. No cake, but I’ll give you a hearty pat on the back. Well done, you’re still going, and you look good doing it, I assume. I do know that your perfume is just amazing – is that a note of bergamot I can smell? Could be the Earl Grey I’m drinking but I’m sure it’s you out there, ponging exquisitely.

So onto the questions for this week!

Hey agony aunt 🙂 I am an asexual at university who is down for drinking mayhem but doesn’t like the often overly-sexualised clubbing experience, nor having to figure out how to get back home in the event that all my allo friends go off with someone (also so scared for their saftey every time!) How do I try to still have fun?? (sorry feel like there’s 3 Qs in one here!)

Hi! Thanks so much for your question(s), and glad to see another member of the Cake Appreciation Society in the wild. I will clarify for anyone who doesn’t know – asexual is the sexual identity of someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. It doesn’t mean they don’t want romantic relationships (that’s aromantic), and the opposite of asexual is allosexual – someone who expiences sexual attraction – so most likely what your parents and Bob down the road is.

I’ll break down the questions you have here.

First, how to deal with the oversexualised clubbing experience. It’s rough going out wanting to dance and have fun and leave it there, when everyone else wants to leave you and go get intimate with a stranger. I find that you have to take it or leave it sometimes. Allosexual people are going to be everywhere, they’re going to want to loudly snog next to you in Plush, and you have to just live with it and, as they say on Strictly, keep dancing.

And about your friends leaving you? Tell them how you feel about being worried about them, but also ask yourself why aren’t they worrying about you waking back late at night?? Please set some solid boundaries for your friends or buddy up with someone for the night who you can go home with (obviously not like that!) and look out for as well as them looking out for you. If you have already done this, and you’ve still been abandoned, then you have some rubbish friends. In this case, you could hang out with a few aces who also like to party. (Not that all aces have to hang out together, but it can be nice to know that they won’t abandon you cause they can’t keep it in their pants.)

So finally how can you have fun? Perhaps stop overthinking it. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to accept that other people aren’t responsible for how you feel in any given situation, and you aren’t responsible for their actions and safety, either. You’re going out to dance, and drink colourful drinks with silly names, and sing along to Power by Little Mix at the top of your lungs. So prioritise how you want the night to go in advance of your visit to ‘the club’ (I know I sound very out-of-touch). I hope you can find your fun! Invite me along next time.

Bronwyn 

 

If a train is heading from Oxford station at 75miles per hour and a plane is leaving Cambridge station at 12 miles an hour is time an illusion and will my baby alligator eat and replace me one day?

Yes. I’ll get started on your obituary.

 

I am 19 and I think I’m going bald. I have recently started colouring my thinning patch with an eyebrow pencil. Recently my girlfriend found this pencil and thinks I am cheating on her. Do I come clean and tell her that I am going bald and losing my hair plus it’s my pencil?? My girlfriend hates bald men so I am really struggling what to do! Please help

I absolutely don’t believe this is a true question, because if it is, I’m so sorry. I broke my promise not to laugh at any of the questions people ask. I’m losing it here.

So… I have a few ideas.

First is: don’t come clean. Just keep pencilling in your hair. She’ll figure it out soon enough, and if she doesn’t want you, don’t worry. You still have your best friend, Pencil.

Second is just be bald. I had a science teacher who bicced his head, it was very shiny and he reminded me of the hitman man from the hit man-centered video game Hitman. Oh, man. 

Or volunteer at a dog shelter, brush a few dogs, nick off with the brushes filled with hair and artfully glue dog hair to your head. Sexy and eco friendly. Who doesn’t like a musky wolf man?*

Yeah. In all non-seriousness, your totally real girlfriend and your new bestie Pencil are having quite the standoff. The dog hair plan would get rid of the need for Pencil, which is a plus, but it wouldn’t convince her you aren’t cheating, and then you wouldn’t have any friends again.

My last ditch advice would be gaslight her – shave your head and tell her you were always bald, and that there was never a pencil. Works like a charm and the ladies will always come back for more when you undermine their mental health xxx

Bron

*I don’t. I don’t like a musky wolf man.

 

I am back from a year abroad and having a hard time adjusting to the Oxford workload and staying in touch with my friends. I don’t have a set group, just acquaintances spread out across colleges. I’m worried I’m not making the most of my final year… overthinking…! How do I balance things

Oh boy. This question… I can feel the stress emanating from it. I don’t usually believe in these things but I’m getting the immense urge to burn some sage over the screen as I write.

My advice to myself when I get worried like this is – “trust in my process and be”. Just trust that you’ll do it. Say to yourself, ‘yeah, I’ll get the degree, yeah I’ll be alright’, and just let it happen by doing small things like smiling at people in the street and saying hello to the porters whenever you go into college. Be a really nice lovely person, and if that doesn’t solve every single one of your problems (which it won’t sadly) then – oh no, you are now a lovely person who takes things in their stride… the horror! 

Sorry if this advice isn’t life-changing or revelatory. You even said it yourself about overthinking. But sometimes, we really do just need to go to bed and trust that we’ll face it in the morning.

All the best,

Bronwyn

 

So that’s that for this week, my niblings (another gender-neutral word for niece/nephew). I hope you can continue to be kind to each other and yourselves. Laugh when things are funny, cry when things are sad, and take everything with a pinch of salt. 

 

Got a problem? Hard to describe? Are you lonely? Filled with regret? Do you lie awake at night, pondering the logical inconsistencies of the 2007 direct-to-dvd movie ‘Bratz: Fashion Pixiez’? Do you really still think about how Olivia didn’t invite you to her birthday party in Year 9, right after you had invited her to yours? Are you constipated? Submit your question HERE! (It’s anonymous, and I promise I won’t laugh).

 

Image credit: Bronwyn Riani

 

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