Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”
If 5th Week got you down, fear not: Rordon Gamsay has remained as stubbornly and annoyingly productive as ever, and found time in-between his essay crisis, emotional crisis, friendship crisis, and existential crisis to deliver these piping hot scoops for today’s Sunday Roast. Don’t say he doesn’t try!
BREAKING: DONATION FROM MORAL E. SUSPECT FOUNDATION CRITICISED BY STUDENTS
Last week it was revealed that the Moral. E. Suspect Foundation had made a private £180 million donation to the University. The bequest will provide scholarships to graduate students, specifically those involved in the study of the Shrek Cinematic Universe (SCU).
In a statement, the Vice-Chancellor thanked the Foundation, stating that “the money given may finally allow us to scientifically decide if Shrek Forever After is better or worse than Shrek 3.”
However, the decision to accept the money was criticised by the Student Union and PresCom, who argued that the Moral E. Suspect Foundation was an extremely morally suspect organisation, and that the University’s choice to receive donations from such sources is questionable.
An open letter signed by key student representatives said: “Which is the worst of the Shreks is a debate to which we would all like a definitive end, but we wish the University would not offer implicit support of dubious organisations such as these in the pursuit of this noble goal.”
The Moral E. Suspect Foundation, the Vice-Chancellor, and Shrek himself have all been approached for comment.
EXCLUSIVE: OXSTU REPORTER ENDS CLIMATE CRISIS
Following on from the COP26 conference in Glasgow this week, Gamsay can exclusively reveal that he is responsible for the termination of global warming and environmental disaster.
“My labours have been long and arduous,” Gamsay exclusively revealed to Gamsay. “I knew all those hours using paper straws and buying organic produce from Waitrose would pay off.”
In honour of this achievement, Exxon has sponsored a new university-wide prize to honour student climate initiatives, called the Exxon-Gamsay Climate Achievement Award. The inaugural winner will be announced in March 2022, and will receive free diesel for life as well as a year’s supply of bamboo socks.
“I think this prize will really change the face of our planet,” said Dick Head, chief PR officer at Exxon. “Plus, who doesn’t like free socks!”
SHOCKING: VENGEFUL ALPACAS LET LOOSE IN CITY CENTRE
Chaos ensued earlier this week when a group of alpacas escaped from Trinity College. The alpacas, who had been visiting Trinity as part of a Welfare Week ‘petting session’, broke loose at around 3pm and ran jubilantly down Broad Street to the confusion of the general public.
A smaller group of alpacas seem to have formed an extremist subgroup, returning later to the College to hold the collection of welfare reps hostage and issue a series of demands.
“Please stop using us as a supplement for actual welfare support,” the alpacas’ ringleader, whose name is unknown but was referred to by bystanders as ‘the sort of cream coloured one’, asserted. “The college shouldn’t offload responsibility for students’ mental health onto the welfare reps like this.. We can give students some cute Instagram photos, sure, but actual welfare? Nope. Are we even actually that cute?”
The alpaca went on to add, “I mean, I am actually a trained therapist, but that’s beside the point.”
Nothing was harmed in the incident, except the welfare reps’ hopes and dreams.
Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.