SHOCKING: UNION “”DRAMA”” BORES STUDENT PUBLIC – AGAIN

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Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”

MT21 hurtles on at breakneck speed, and the pace hasn’t let up for Rordon Gamsay, the OxStu’s official nosy parker, either. This week he bent over backwards to source these stories that other, less unprincipled news outlets failed to publish, and still found time to finish his tute essays, backstab his Union ‘friends’, and consider a bid to become Vice-Chancellor of the entire University.

BREAKING: PLANS FOR HIGH SPEED TRANSPORT SERVICES TO NORTH OXFORD AMENDED

Financial pressure on the Oxford City Council budget has resulted in edited plans for high speed public transport to North Oxford.

Originally, a line of super-fast scooters was to be installed, halving the time taken to travel from St Hugh’s to Magdalen Street Tesco. However, budget restrictions have meant that the scooter service will now only function as far as Somerville, with connecting bus routes northwards to remain the same yet be made ‘faster’. No real justification as to how these higher speeds would be brought about has been posited by the Council.

A spokesperson from St Hugh’s had this to say about the change: “We are deeply disappointed by the Council’s decision. This is not the ‘levelling up’ we were promised in the last election. The cuts mean that colleges such as ours, St Anne’s, and LMH will continue to be ridiculed by the student public for being ‘too far away’ despite being within 15 minutes’ walk of the city centre. The scooters would have changed this image forever, but it seems we are doomed to obscurity.”

Wolfson College would also have been contacted for comment, if anyone from the OxStu even knew where or what it was. [Editor’s note: I once met someone from Wolfson at a Cherwell drinks thing, which just shows how irrelevant they are].

NO WAY: HUMANITIES UNEMPLOYMENT JOKES ‘STILL FUNNY’, JUDGE RULES

Yesterday a case filed by a group of beleaguered humanities students has been dismissed by the Oxford High Court. The complainants launched the legal battle in despair at the quantity of jokes which link their degree choice to their future employment prospects, which they asserted were ‘boring, unfunny, and tedious’.

“Many humanities students go on to rich and diverse careers in multiple fields,” Katharine Jobless, a second year historian and one of the leaders of the protest, told Gamsay. “It is reductive and demoralising to make jokes about how we have no prospects when we already face significant battles in the form of underfunding, with the government themselves advocating that humanities degrees aren’t useful despite all having humanities degrees themselves.”

Investigations by Gamsay into last year’s graduates revealed that most Oxford humanities students weren’t unemployed 6 months after terminating their degree. From his randomised pool of English graduates, Gamsay discovered that they were working in a variety of stimulating careers, from solicitor to accountant to solicitor to solicitor to solicitor.

At the conclusion of the case the judge had this to say about their dismissal of the students’ claims: “Jokes about humanities students being unemployable are still funny,” they declared. “I would know – I did Classics, which is a joke in itself.”

ORIGINAL: UNION SLATE [GENERIC IMPERATIVE VERB] ACCUSES [GENERIC ABSTRACT  NOUN] OF [EXTREMELY MINOR OFFENCE]

In a truly original move, this term’s union slate [Generic Imperative Verb] has accused opposing slate [Generic Abstract Noun] of [extremely minor offence]. Thrilled to gain the upper hand in the opening salvo of what is sure to be an impressive election this [current term], the President of [Generic Imperative Verb] sat down with Rordon Gamsay to explain their thinking.

“Having been [executive role] last [two terms before current term], I have the [noun 1], [noun 2], and [noun 1, but said differently] to ensure that the Oxford Union prospers in [two terms from now]. I am shocked that the opposing slate has chosen to [extremely minor offence] us; we most certainly wouldn’t have done the same given the opportunity. 

“In fact, it is exactly what we would expect from [Presidential candidate of opposing slate]. Having been [executive role] last [two terms before current term], it is absolutely clear that they do not have the [noun 1], [noun 2], or [noun 1, literally repeated] that is necessary to run this extremely prestigious society that looks great on my CV. Yes, I appreciate I commented on their Facebook profile picture that they’re amazing and that I’m honoured to run with them for the Union, but that was [two terms before current term], and they have shown themselves to be absolutely the opposite. Choosing to do [extremely minor offence] is an open act of war, and the Union is fundamentally at risk of extinction – or worse – if we let [Presidential candidate of opposing slate] near the throne. 

“I am the only person running this term who is willing to take new, never-before-attempted steps to make the Union a more accessible, diverse, and equal place.”

When Rordon pointed out that such pledges weren’t too original, the President of [Generic Imperative Verb] set two of his Secretary’s Committee freshers out to bludgeon him to death with a picture of Andrew Graham-Dixon.

Reports are also coming in that RG @ OxStu received at least two very passive aggressive Oxfesses.

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

 

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