EXCLUSIVE: OXMAS, THING YOU WERE ALREADY AWARE WAS HAPPENING, HAPPENS

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”

From snowfalls to carols to Christmas trees, 7th Week has felt Oxmassy in all the right ways. But the festive spirit does not deaden the razor-sharp reporting instincts of one Rordon Gamsay – indeed, the quantities of mince pies and mulled wine he has consumed have only made him ever more assiduous in his pursuit of juicy scoops. As the term hurtles towards its alcohol-drenched conclusion, here are the stories he managed to scavenge from the scraps of what some might call ‘news’…

EXCLUSIVE: PRO-VICE-CHANCELLOR INJURED BY CHRISTMAS TREE

Oxmas celebrations may have led to festivities for most this week, but not for the Pro-Vice-Chancellor for Education, Martin Williams, who ended up needing medical attention after a Christmas lights switch-on went wrong.

Mr Williams had been invited to light the St Anne’s Christmas tree on Thursday, being the most famous person they could get on a minimal budget after the guy who does the voiceover on Come Dine With Me cancelled at the last minute. 

However, an unfortunate slip on wet grass resulted in Mr Williams colliding with the tree. He was showered in pine needles and incurred heavy bruises in multiple places, most notably to his ego. 

Paramedics rushed to the scene to confirm that the Pro-Vice-Chancellor had suffered no serious injury. Interviewed by Gamsay after the incident, Mr Williams said, ‘I’m perfectly well, and would only like to take this opportunity to remind students that the 2021 Student Barometer Survey is now open, so please give us your feedback on your university experience so far!’

Gamsay noted this comment down despite other reporters telling him they had no idea what the Student Barometer Survey was, and that Mr Williams was rambling nonsensically as a result of a bauble falling on his head ten minutes earlier. 

BREAKING: SCIENTIFIC STUDY INTO COVID TESTING FOUND TO BE FLAWED

In a shocking development, it has been found that a study into Covid testing has been entirely misconducted. 

Last week, several papers (but not the OxStu, being journalists of integrity) reported that the Silly Sausage Lab had found that the regularity with which the general public has been taking Covid tests has damaged their noses.

‘The process of constantly stabbing a cotton swab up your nose has caused irreparable damage to the nasal cavities of a large proportion of our volunteers,’ the conductor of the study, Paul Lee Researched, announced.

Yet further analysis of the study’s findings has revealed they are completely invalid. 

One critic told Gamsay, ‘An overwhelming proportion of the participants were from Christ Church, students known for incurring ‘irreparable damage to their nasal cavities’ by means entirely unrelated to Covid testing.’

Gamsay went to Christ Church to interview students on this matter but none were found, despite the suspicious sniffing he heard from the toilet cubicles he was loitering outside of. [Christ Church porters, if you’re reading this, will you please de-blacklist Rordon? – Dep. Ed.]

WOW: FLUORESCENT ADOLESCENT RETURNS TO OXFORD

Oxford’s biggest and best, by virtue of being its only, indie club night returned to the Bullingdon this week, with tickets to the famous ‘Fluorescent Adolescent’ event selling out in record time. Rordon Gamsay trekked out to Cowley Road to analyse the scenes undercover, wearing a Catfish and the Bottlemen t-shirt, black nail varnish, and his best ‘pick me’ attitude in order to blend in with the crowd.

One aggressive bystander stood beside Rordon for over an hour in the smoking area asking him ‘if [he’d] ever heard of Tame Impala’. 

The man continued, ‘You know, they’re not actually a band but it’s this one guy, Kevin Parker, who writes everything. Have you ever heard ‘The Less I Know The Better’? It’s a real indie track, you probably haven’t…’

Other attendees were more confused by the night’s proceedings. One student turned up in full white tie carrying a bottle of port and declared himself ready for ‘the pig, or whatever other initiation you have planned’. The bouncer was forced to tell him kindly, but firmly, that he’d mixed his Bulllingdons up. 

‘Shame, I was really in the mood for a sausage,’ the gatecrasher, Harvey Bevington-Smythe III, confessed. 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.