THE ROAST RETURNS: CHALAMET, NORTH FACE, AND MORE

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”

Fear not Oxfordians, like Jesus being sent to save Humanity, Rordon is back to rescue you from yourselves. In the weekly meal of roasts, in-jokes, and too many ginger writers, find yourself a little warm comfort in these cold dark January weeks and let the Gamsay rock you into a happy slumber xx

 

SHOCKING: CHOICE TO MEET AT PRET ‘OFTEN UNWISE’, STUDY FINDS

A study by the Total E. Maydup Research Group has found that popular café chain Pret A Manger is not the convenient working location many students think it is. 

“The launch of the Pret coffee subscription last year has meant that the average Oxford student’s blood stream is now 0.005% oat milk latte,” the leader of the study explained. “This is three times the average amongst the general population, but still half that of that which we found in Londoners.”

Nevertheless, these statistics have sparked alarm amongst the student population, who have begun to realise that going to Pret ‘for work’ (spending four hours drinking the same coffee and staring blankly at an empty Word document) might be damaging them in more insidious ways than previously imagined. 

The study also found that Pret’s many locations within Oxford were an inconvenience for those planning group work. 

Gamsay interviewed one third year Engineering attempting to coordinate study sessions for their Third Year Project: “The group chat instructed everyone to meet at Pret. I assumed it would be the one on Cornmarket Street, but two people went to the one in Westgate and another to the smaller one on Cornmarket, even though it doesn’t have any chairs.

“Thanks to this mix up, we are now several weeks behind on our project but have managed to consume ten different varieties of substandard Pret coffee between us.”

 

SURELY NOT: STUDENT JOURNALISM IS VERY SERIOUS

On being forced at gunpoint to become Editor-in-Chief of the newspaper, Rordon Gamsay spent a difficult vac period learning that he now had actual responsibilities beyond shitposting in the Student Union funded paper. To that end, he spied on the Business and Finance section at an as-yet unnamed university paper, and learnt three key facts:

  1. You must be extremely serious. No jokes.
  2. If another newspaper posts some ‘news’, you must copy-paste the same article into your own WordPress – but remember to use a thesaurus first!
  3. No, seriously. No jokes. Student journalism is very serious.

Rordon hopes to bring you more serious dispatches from the heady throne of the Editor-in-Chieftainship this coming term. Why is he Editor? What has he done to gain this? Nothing, good sir, except a satire article each week, and a fair amount of grafting and sucki– [Alright, keep it for 6th Week – Dep Ed.]

 

EXCLUSIVE: HUNDREDS OF STUDENTS EXCUSED FROM COLLECTIONS DUE TO POOR MENTAL HEALTH FOLLOWING NORTH FACE SCAM

Last week, in what turned out to be a scam, hundreds of Facebook users fell for a promised discount on everyone’s dream fashion staple: The North Face Puffer.

 Hundreds of undergraduates from all around Oxford, a place celebrated for the individuality and diverse style of its students, rushed to buy the same Men’s XL puffer jacket in Jet Black, losing up to £300. After realising that this iconic coat would not be coming through their letterboxes, many were left heartbroken and distraught, having lost both money and their only chance to be cool.  

 “It’s just – rah – like, so lame,” lamented Araminta Robinson-Fernsby, a second-year Christ Church art historian (known to most as ‘Minty’ or ‘Min’) when interviewed by Gamsay. “I already have a Ralph Lauren one, but I wanted something cheaper and more down-to-earth, you know? I can get my Dad to send me the money I lost – it was only a couple hundred quid – but I’m just upset. I might rusticate”.

Gamsay also set out to interview students from lesser-known colleges in an attempt to measure the seemingly huge emotional impact of the scam, but was unfortunately unable to locate Wolfson College to complete his analysis.

 

SCOOP: TIMOTHEE CHAMALAMET CITED IN RECORD NUMBER OF POLICE REPORTS AS MOTIVE FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING HERTFORD

In a crime wave greater than that seen in Chicago in the 20s, Oxford police were overwhelmed by ambitious undergrads attempting to gain entrance to certain locations in Hertford in the run up to Christmas. Having been tasked with getting to the root of the issue, crime statisticians finally determined the common motive – Timothée Chalamet.

Students took a break from watching Little Women and Dune to make desperate attempts to catch a sighting of their floppy haired hero, putting their lives on the line and coming up with all manner of ways of gaining access to their beloved sex symbol. From climbing the ivy up the walls, to ladders across from turret to turret, and even an attempted flying entry facilitated by the RAG bungee jump, these dastardly criminal minds cannot be faulted for their lack of commitment to the cause.

In their police interview, Lucy Borwormalot stated that “I only wanted to get him to sign my pillow that has his face on. Since when was the pursuit of true love a crime? That’s not the country I grew up in.” 

With a resumption of filming in February, police are bracing for further arrests. Rordon will keep you updated as the story develops.

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory. Comedy is where the mind goes to tickle itself.

Fancy reading some more Gamsay? Check out one of last term’s roasts at https://www.oxfordstudent.com/2021/11/01/breaking-not-all-news-is-breaking-news/