Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.
Oxford’s finest keeps getting a whole lot finer – with his ear so close to the ground it’s a wonder it hasn’t yet been run over by a truck, the Gamsay is uncovering story after story in his never ending journey towards a 2nd Pulitzer. Having been fired from his Editor-in-Chief position after lying on his CV about his height, his only priority is more scoops like those below, so rest assured the powers that be will be held to account this term
SHOCKING: ROOT OF VAPE AND WINE SHORTAGE CRISIS REVEALED
A few days ago, a distressed member of Magdalen Street Tesco’s staff published a report regarding the alarming rate at which the supermarket’s wine and vape shelves were emptying. Indeed, this last week has seen the beloved Tesco completely raided of its Juul pods and alcoholic beverages (notably its iconic ‘Fruity Red’), causing a shockwave in which students were desperate enough to walk into Sainsbury’s and even – God forbid – M&S.
“We’ve never sold out completely of anything this fast,” revealed Tim Clubcard when interviewed by Gamsay. “It’s been terrible for business – we’ve practically lost our entire student clientele and are now only serving the middle-aged people who live in the city centre but have no actual affiliation to the university – which adds up to about 3 customers. People don’t even react to Tescalator Facebook posts anymore!”
Determined to solve the root of the issue, Gamsay spent the weekend perching by the supermarket to see what he could find. When a group of students, who took one look inside and decided to go to Sainsbury’s instead, began heading back to their college, Gamsay surreptitiously followed. He was taken by surprise to see them place their treasures on the doorstep of a second-year corridor. Upon further inspection, he realised that each doorstep was adorned with similar bottles of ‘Zesty White’ and an impressive array of puff bars. Puzzled, Gamsay prepared himself to knock on one of the doors, before realising that they were all marked with the same sign:
CAUTION: DO NOT ENTER. COVID-19 ISOLATION IN PROCESS.
That explained a lot.
BREAKING: OXSTU PRINT EDITION ‘NOT SHIT’, SOURCES REPORT
Now being published fortnightly, this week saw the return of the print edition of the Oxford Student to pidge and common rooms across Oxford. With a resplendent new look, and minimal typos on the front page, the OxStu hopes to enter a ‘blisteringly sexy new era of student journalism,’ one of the senior editors told Gamsay.
The fact that the OxStu remains the only Oxford student newspaper to have a section entirely devoted to gaming was not apparently contradictory to this statement. [At least it isn’t Business and Finance. – Dep. Ed.]
“It’s not shit,” one student rhapsodised when threatened asked for comment on the new print edition by Gamsay.
It is yet to be seen whether the paper’s redesign will actually encourage any students to pick it up, or will continue to be consigned to ignominy alongside the (much larger, promise) stacks of unread Cherwells.
WORRYING: VICE-CHANCELLOR TO INVADE UKRAINE
Frank talks were held late last night between college Wardens/Deans/Chiefs and the Vice-Chancellor, after reports emerged of the latter’s intention to invade the Ukrainian peninsular.
First floating this idea at a ‘Future of Education’ conference, citing the need to invest in finding long term solutions to the creeping expansion of commercial housing into University spaces, support from other key players at Oxford was not particularly forthcoming. The E&M faculty in particular cited their concerns over the impact such action might have on the SP&I 500 ISA Non-Fungible Index Capital Gains Funds. However it seems that opposition did little to persuade the VC against the idea, and they have been putting into motion plans for a full frontal assault. St. John’s is thought to be providing the sole financial backing, in the hopes of a future payoff to reestablish itself above Magdalen as the University’s richest college.
If diplomatic action or the implementation of sanctions (such as a ban on the VC marking emails as ‘important’ when they’re not) don’t halt this military action it seems inevitable that Oxford will be split by a civil war. We’ll bring you more when we have it.
Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory. Comedy is where the mind goes to tickle itself.
