Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.
Has January been tough? Fear not – Rordon Gamsay is back to bring you some positivity (whether you already have some from a recent LFD, or are in dire need following collections). This week, Rordon has done his bit for the community, gathering saucy scoops from Oxford’s hectic social scene for those in isolation: don’t worry – you’re not missing much (although Rachel will be sorry not to see you at Park End) x
SHOCKING: NOBODY LIKES THE CLUB ADVERTISING TEXTS
Students have been left reeling after having to deal with a tsunami of advertising texts. Having somehow obtained the mobile numbers of every undergraduate in the city (GDPR apparently now stands for ‘ur Getting Down to Parkend Right?’), the dynamic trio of Rachel, Rufus, and Josh have been sliding into more DMs than Prince Andrew after his kids’ birthday parties. Gamsay would have thought there were enough unwanted arrivals happening at their clubs via injection for them to be prioritising, instead of putting effort into appearing like they’re Oxford Brooke’s of phishing scams, but then he guesses overly aggressive bouncers don’t pay for themselves.
A particular shoutout should go to Rufus, presumably a middle-aged manager, who opened his scintillating sales pitch with a cheeky ‘Wagwan’. Wagwan, Rufus, is you’re annoying me. At least offer the chance to win free-entry to a proper club, not just Oxford’s 2nd most famous (though admittedly less racist) Bullingdon Club.
Gamsay will be investigating further.
INVESTIGATION: HOW ARE STUDENTS SPENDING THEIR TIME IN ISOLATION?
In response to a surge in Covid cases across the University, Gamsay took it upon himself to interview those stuck in isolation via Zoom or, when interviewees failed to respond to his repeated meeting links, by throwing stones at their windows and shouting expletives at them angrily.
One student from Keble had this to say about their recent positive test: “it’s good to see something positive in my life for once after last week’s essay. Jesus.”
Gamsay then interviewed a Covid patient on their way to the New College bop. “Yeah, I tested positive this morning,” they said. “So I thought I should really keep my distance from everyone by attending this massive college event and interacting with as few loads of people as I can.
“My social circle has been severely limited since I entered isolation – normally, I’d be out on the street licking pennies and hugging 1000 people a day, so attending the bop is more of a sacrifice than anything else.”
REVEALED: UNION BALLS MORE POPULAR THAN TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
Friday was a difficult day for many. At 1pm, the link for the upcoming Oxford Union ball was released, and within three minutes, every spot for this highly coveted event was taken, leaving hundreds of aspiring prime ministers and yummy mummies disappointed. These first year mulleted PPEists, unnecessarily controversial students and Varsity Club regulars were unfortunately too late to secure their tickets.
“It’s tragic. I had rehearsed everything. I was going to scavenge the room for finance students and grill each one of them on their favourite hunting locations and country houses. I even ordered a Rat and Boa dress!” confessed Petunia Fitzgerald, a second year Christ Church student, when interviewed by Gamsay.
“Yeah, damn damn shame,” chirped in Tarquinius Harmonius VIII, heir to the earldom of Hereford and avid Union-events-attendee. “My father kindly sent me some port to get absolutely shit-faced with my chums beforehand. Terrible, terrible turn of events”.
Gamsay himself managed to successfully snag some tickets – stay tuned for an insider’s take on the year’s biggest match-making event.
Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory. Comedy is where the mind goes to tickle itself.
