Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.
From government guidelines to the dread of yet another Valentine’s Day spent single, there are multiple reasons why you may have been a social hermit these last few days. If so, don’t worry – Rordon Gamsay brings you the saucy stories 3rd Week has to offer (expect super original content, like the cat we haven’t heard about 36 times already).
EXCLUSIVE: HAND THERAPY A HIT
Yesterday, students around Oxford were sent an email by the Examinations Schools offering the coveted opportunity of a lifetime: advice on hand strengthening exercises.
3rd Week of Hilary has proven hard for many, and, in dark times like these, what more could the average Oxonian want than a guide to how to practice writing fast for exams in their Outlook inbox? From “look at your hand position and evaluate it” to “grab the pen loosely”, this detailed, invaluable information sheet is full of useful tips and tricks to help anyone and everyone – be it Arc & Anth freshers or third year PPEists – secure a first.
Students from all colleges and faculties shared their thoughts when interviewed by Gamsay.
“I can’t express how helpful this is,” revealed Anne, a Joint Honours student at Merton. “My course involves such a heavy workload, which is proving difficult to balance alongside my roles as Editor-in-Chief of the college journal, soloist in choir, and head of the Oxford Chess Club. But now, thanks to Elaine Eastgate, I feel totally relieved and prepared!”
Sam, a third year back from rustication, agrees: “Yeah, my mental health has been really rocky for the last few years, which is why, having come back, exams are a big cause of stress. I’m so happy that I now have the tools to write fast enough not to worry about time pressure. It’s crazy how little I knew about holding pens! Thanks, Elaine”.
BREAKING: THERE IS A CAT IN HERTFORD; IT VISITS PLACES
In another fascinating and highly newsworthy development, the Hertford College cat, Simpkins IV, has once again entered the Exeter College library.
“Now this is news,” said one student interviewed by Gamsay outside the Rad Cam, the best source for potential interviewees.
Gamsay asked another student what they thought about Simpkins stealing the food of his Exeter feline counterpart, Walter.
“Who the **** is Walter?” they answered. When an explanation was given, the interviewee continued, “**** him, then. I ****ing hate cats. Dirty little ****ers.”
Gamsay will continue to deliver up-to-the-minute correspondence on Oxford’s most riveting contro-purr-sey [You’re fired. – Dep. Ed.] the moment anyone actually starts caring about it.
NO WAY: OXYOU TO TAKE OVER CHERWELL
Stay tuned.
Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.
