Workspace Astrology – what your chosen work location says about you
Image description: A woman sits in a darkened room working on a laptop whilst sat on her bed
‘The workspace is the window to the soul’ (or something, I don’t know enough about Shakespeare). If you’re trying to get to know someone, the real question to ask is not ‘what’s your star sign?’ or ‘if you were an animal, what animal would you be?’, it’s ‘what setting do you choose for your caffeine-fuelled day-of-the-deadline essay/problem sheet crisis?’
Here’s a 100% objective and factually correct rundown of what your chosen workspace says about you.
Do you have the attention span of a toddler who’s got three equally exciting new toys for Christmas? Do you need the constant fear of being judged for scrolling aimlessly through TikTok to be able to actually bash out the essay that was due last Tuesday?, If so then pack your things (laptop, Bodleian-Libraries-Approved KeepCup, nothing else) and away you go. But whether you choose your local college library or one of the Big Oxford Libraries ™ really says a lot.
The College Library
You’re either here to complain to your friends every twenty-five minutes (when your Pomodoro timer goes off) about how much you hate your degree, or you’re here because you fancy someone in college and you’re hoping that you will lock eyes when reaching for the same copy of The Republic even though you do biology. You know it is actually remarkable what Plato had to say about intracellular movements in eukaryotic cells once you really get to the heart of it!
The Upper Bod
You like the dark academia aesthetic but you’re scared of the RadCam.
The Lower Bod
You like the dark academia aesthetic but you’re scared of the Upper Bod.
You’re here because you want to look sexy and mysterious, and you’re hoping for an Oxlove about how sexy and mysterious you look. You also find the pressure of the intense dark academic aesthetic and constant observation from all angles (thank you, circular architecture) is the only way you can romanticise your essay on Margaret Thatcher’s economic policies of the 1980s. You will inevitably post a photo on your Instagram story to make all of your home friends jealous and remind them, in case they forgot, that you do, in fact, go to Oxford (did you know?).
The Duke Humfrey’s
You’re lying. You’re here because you want to say that you went here once. You will never come again once you discover you have to carry all of your belongings in a clear plastic bag as if you’re about to jet off on a lad’s holiday to Ibiza and your laptop and books are those tiny little travel bottles of shampoo and conditioner. You’ll still say it’s your favourite workspace though, purely to seem aloof and enigmatic. It won’t work.
Your faculty library
The sense of communal distress is comforting for you. Plus it’s easier to get books that you will read three pages of and cite in your bibliography.
Is everything okay at home?
‘No actually I just don’t like libraries haha!’
If the library isn’t for you, you might find yourself reflected better in one of the following options. You also definitely mention at any opportunity that you just don’t like libraries! No one thinks it makes you cool and unique.
The Coffee Shop
A prime location for Oxlove potential. Maybe you will be the sexy dark-haired stranger in the Magdalen puffer in Big Pret on Cornmarket Street at 2pm on Wednesday…
You don’t actually get any work done here and you have to make one £3.20 latte last for six hours, but you do look quirky. So there’s that.
Are you actually self-motivated? Does your window face a busy quad or street and your favourite form of procrastination is people-watching? This might be your workspace of choice. You definitely study PPE, Physics or Medicine.
And finally, Spoons
How did your collections go?
And there you have it. Now you’ll never need to wonder whether you’re astrologically compatible with someone again – if you’re a Your Desk and they’re an Upper Bod, it’s not going to work out. Trust me.