Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.
Rordon Gamsay, the Marco Pierre White of student journalism, returns to cook up some spicy scoops for your dreary Sunday. His hangover from the Union ball having passed, his journalistic creds still remain as suspect as the food hygiene rating of your favourite kebab shop.
BREAKING: STUDENT JOURNALISM
With the arrival of fifth week has come an 83% decrease in the quality of student journalism, paired with a 17% loss of section editors’ will to live. With the Ukrainian saga dragging on longer than a Lord of the Rings film, and the post views on yet another puff-piece on Walter the Cat finally dipping into mere double figures, writers are being faced with the need to be original again.
One section editor commented: “I put a content call up last week, but I’ve had fewer texts back from it than I have from my messages to my ex last Thursday night. Like, what’s the point anymore? Maybe I’ll just throw in the towel and go and do something totally pointless like student drama. I hear even basic logarithmic knowledge isn’t required to become a BNOC in that scene.”
With real news thin on the ground, the various blogs and newspapers of Oxford put their efforts into their annual attempt to make people care about the Union rejects SU Presidential Candidates. With name recognition percentages lower than Eurus Miliband’s, those efforts appear to have been about as successful as Cressida Dick’s last decade. Still, the post-election party was reportedly pretty ████ ██ ███████ so there’s a silver lining at least
Hopefully, Christ Church has another scandal soon, lest dozens of budding Rupert Murdochs are unleashed on the rest of Oxford life much to everyone else’s chagrin.
WOW: STEM STUDENTS HAVE LOVE LIVES
As we pass the halfway point of Hilary, students from all over town are beginning to come to terms with their impending fears: exams, internship applications and – far more pressingly – Valentine’s Day.
Whilst most humanities students, who can rely on their Daunt Books tote bags and obnoxiously large scarves to achieve the ultimate mysterious look, manage to secure a date in Common Ground, the same cannot be said for mathematicians – or so we thought.
As part of his monthly volunteering project, Rordon Gamsay, a trained peer supporter, undertook a few welfare walks with STEM students to check in.
Some were upset, yet most were indifferent. “I once went on a date with a girl and gave her a very clear and unbiased explanation as to why we shouldn’t get vaccinated against COVID”, revealed Humphrey, a third year at Teddy Hall. She tried to tell me that I was wrong, which was just funny – I mean, babes, I literally do Earth Sciences, so like, I know more about this than you ever will. Anyway, ever since that I’m just not interested in dating. If she’s not anti-vax I don’t want her”.
Although most of the interviewees shared this anti-Valentine sentiment, Gamsay was shocked to discover a new species during his expedition: an emotionally available physics student.
“Actually really looking forward to it this year!” shared John from St Anne’s. “My girlfriend and I are going out to eat”.
Baffled at the mention of what sounded like a functional relationship, Gamsay has had to take a few days off work to recover. Indeed, the discovery of this strange phenomenon has taken many by surprise. Our dear Rordon will be back soon to update us on the issue.
WOW: CIRCUIT LAUNDRY POSSESSED BY KLEPTOMANIAC MONSTER
This week, Gamsay can exclusively reveal that Circuit Laundry units across Oxford have long been possessed by various kleptomaniac monsters. Whilst previously Circuit Laundry’s failure to render any clothes sufficiently clean, and propensity for swallowing your pants in the awful soap-encrusted lip of the machine, had been attributed to the general poor quality of the machinery, this has been found to be completely untrue.
Cuddly creatures known as ‘sock-swipers’, lured into laundry rooms by the smell of detergent and cosy warmth, have been found dwelling in Circuit Laundry units across Oxford. These monsters are addicted to stealing students’ laundry whilst it swills about the machine, thereby dirtying the contents and causing the user to lose key clothing items.
The monsters, whilst not dangerous, should not be approached and are indeed difficult to find to that end given they only emerge during a 40 minute wash cycle. The Vice-Chancellor advises caution to the student public, and warns of the arrival of another hard-to-find cuddly creature, species ‘Timotheus Chalameus’, approaching Oxford at the start of 5th Week.
Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.