Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.
Hear ye, hear ye – the Roast returns for yet another Sunday. Are you sick of Hilary Term yet? Never fear, because roving reporter Rordon Gamsay certainly isn’t. Here he is with another serving of piping hot scoops that he found the time to collect in-between tugging Timothée’s purple coat tails and being exposed by Ch**well as a Law Soc hack.
NO WAY: WORDLE ‘NOT AN ESSENTIAL PART OF ENGLISH DEGREE’
Second year English students faced threats from their faculty this week, when they attempted to argue that daily Wordle games were ‘a necessary and important component of our degree’.
The tribunal came after it was unearthed that 67% of students working in the Old Bodleian library at any given time were procrastinating by means of the popular online brain teaser Wordle. Of this percentage, more than 40% did an English or English and Joint Honours degree, leading to the faculty launching an investigation into this shocking amount of time wasting.
“Guessing a new five-letter word every day is not necessary to understanding the deeper complexities of Chaucer,” stated the faculty’s head, Poncy Pattrotington.
One English student interviewed by Gamsay had this to say in response: “I don’t get the fuss. It’s not procrastination if you’re in the library. I can sit in the Rad Cam for two hours and do nothing but Wordles and TikTok scrolling instead of my essay and feel like it was a job well done.”
Gamsay will continue to offer up-to-the-minute developments on this story for as long as Wordle continues to be relevant.
BREAKING: STRANGELY NAMED STORM CAUSES CHAOS AND DISRUPTION
This week a storm battered Oxford, resulting in chaos and confusion across the city. Streets were closed off, tutorials diverted, and injuries suffered as the student population attempted to weather the chaos.
The phenomenon had previously been mocked for its silly name, but this week many who had laughed learned to take it seriously.
“It’s been a threat to life, and my degree,” one Hertford student complained. “I never would have guessed Timothée Chalamet would have caused such havoc. But then I am the fool for underestimating the power of a man with a bike seat-shaped head and a French name.”
The arrival of another meteorological event, name of ‘Hugh Grant’, exacerbated the tumult experienced in the city centre this week.
“He can blow me away any time,” one dreamy fan told Gamsay, before nearly getting hit in the face by a stray plastic bag swept off the streets by Storm Eunice [Oh, yeah, that happened too. – Dep. Ed.]
SHOCKING: 5TH WEEK BLUES ARE A HOAX
Ah, 5th Week. The subject of many an Oxfess, the explanation behind many a welfare walk – it’s rough. The curse of the Blues has plagued every single student for as long as Rordon Gamsay can remember, yet the precise cause of such regularly-timed termly melancholy has never actually been discovered.
A few days ago, Gamsay began an investigation into just why 5th Week proves so difficult. One interviewee said, “I can’t lie. I get depressed within two weeks of Oxford night life. 5th Week would be impressive. I got back after the Vac and went to one Bridge Thursday; it totally wrecked my serotonin levels. I feel like I’ve been on a comedown since, and I never even got a high”.
This sentiment was echoed by Melissa, a fresher at St Hugh’s: “I’m not sure what this 5th Week theory is. As far as I see it, I’m getting just as much work as usual and still haven’t identified myself in a single Oxlove”.
Puzzled, Rordon decided to direct his questioning to higher authorities – the Vice-Chancellor Louise Richardson. “Well, Rordon,” she admitted. “I knew this question would come eventually. For years, tutors and staff have cultivated the myth of 5th Week blues in order to distract students from a subtle increase in workload. Essentially, we placebo students into thinking that depression in 5th Week is natural, when it’s actually totally our doing. We have no desire to stop. But we suggest that students remember to get some sleep, stay hydrated and hand their work in on time!”
Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.
