NO WAY: OXSTU WEBSITE ACTUALLY WORKS

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.

In the final Sunday Roast for a while, Gamsay bids ave atque vale to Hilary Term. Undettered by Union hacks knocking on his window and Torpids rowers harrassing him with their 2k times, he has scraped together this very special Week 7 edition and hopes to be back fighting fit for Trinity, provided he doesn’t get kidnapped or imprisoned again during the Vac.

 

BREAKING: HILARY TERM ON THE BRINK OF DEATH

This week the student population was grieved to hear that the entity known as Hilary Term 2022 was on its deathbed.

Medical professionals at the scene conducted a full examination of HT22 and found them to be in extremely poor health. 

“Riven by 8 weeks of essay after essay and bop after bop, HT22 unfortunately won’t be with us much longer,” reported Dr Buffoonery. “However, this is probably for the best.”

HT22’s health had been in decline since 5th Week at least, medics guess, when the effects of burnout and excessive alcohol consumption first began to afflict them. However, doctors believe an especially energetic bout of Union hacking in 7th Week was the straw that broke HT22’s back. 

“Good riddance,” said one mourning Corpus student when asked to express her sadness at HT22’s imminent passing.

 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT: OXSTU WEBSITE WORKS

In a first for the paper this term, upon dropping a massive exclusive before Cherwell, editors at The Oxford Student were amazed to find the geriatric and faulty website working once again. This came as a surprise when {“version”:”20210930″,”show_thumbnails”:true,”show_date”:true,”show_context”:true,”layout”:”grid”,”headline”:”Related”,”items”:[{“id”:111099,”url”:”https:\/\/www.oxfordstudent.com\/2021\/06\/11\/breaking-mantle-and-reach-win-oxford-union-election\/”,”url_meta”:{“origin”:115266,”position”:0},”title”:”BREAKING: Mantle and #REACH win Oxford Union election”,”date”:”11th June 2021″,”format”:false,”excerpt”:”Molly Mantle has been elected to serve as Oxford Union President in Hilary 2022 in a hotly-contested election. Mantle, the current Librarian and a second-year PPE student from St Hugh\u2019s College, received 402 first preference votes, and defeated Viren Shetty from Christ Church, the current Treasurer who had been backed\u2026″,”rel”:””,”context”:”In "News"”,”img”:{“alt_text”:””,”src”:”https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.oxfordstudent.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/union.jpg?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200″,”width”:350,”height”:200},”classes”:[]},{“id”:105144,”url”:”https:\/\/www.oxfordstudent.com\/2020\/11\/27\/breaking-create-slate-clean-sweeps-union-election\/”,”url_meta”:{“origin”:115266,”position”:1},”title”:”CREATE Slate clean sweeps union election”,”date”:”27th November 2020″,”format”:false,”excerpt”:”Adam Roble, a second-year History and Politics student from Teddy Hall has tonight been elected President of the Oxford Union for Trinity term 2021. Roble, who was Secretary of the Union this term, defeated Geneva Roy, the current Treasurer from Brasenose College in the race for the top spot. Roble\u2026″,”rel”:””,”context”:”In "News"”,”img”:{“alt_text”:””,”src”:”https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.oxfordstudent.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/union-hacking-no-banner.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200″,”width”:350,”height”:200},”classes”:[]},{“id”:100247,”url”:”https:\/\/www.oxfordstudent.com\/2020\/07\/07\/alumni-elected-as-oxford-union-president\/”,”url_meta”:{“origin”:115266,”position”:2},”title”:”Alumnus elected as Oxford Union President”,”date”:”7th July 2020″,”format”:false,”excerpt”:”Image Description: Oxford Union Building\u00a0 Following a victory for RON, and a hacked second election, James Edward Price, who graduated seven years ago, will be the next President of the Oxford Union.\u00a0 In his Manifesto, he stated: \u201cI am running because I think it\u2019s funny, and also because I would\u2026″,”rel”:””,”context”:”In "News"”,”img”:{“alt_text”:””,”src”:”https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.oxfordstudent.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/oxford-union.jpg?fit=1200%2C675&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200″,”width”:350,”height”:200},”classes”:[]}]}

 

EXCLUSIVE: UNION HACKS ARE NOT COOL (but you knew this)

Rordon Gamsay was not particularly enthusiastic to write an actual report on this issue, stating that “the title speaks for itself”, but will comment anyway, seeing as it’s the end of term and actions therefore bear little consequence.

This week, several members of the Oxford Union were unexpectedly contacted by unknown individuals via messenger, begging for electoral support. Whilst some prefaced their messages with an apologetic disclaimer (e.g. “sorry incoming hack alert so sorry pls vote tho haha sorry”), others offered a “campaign poster” – which looked more like a mum’s facebook photograph of 4 deeply uncomfortable children at sports day.

Gamsay decided to interview Union members on their thoughts. First up was Lavinia Adamson, a Christ Church psychology first year. “Yah, like, I don’t actually know how the Union works! I’m just a part of it for the balls. They are suchhhh funnn. Got sooo wasted on Echo Falls last time was rah so amazing. But yah, like, my friend is running for something, so I just wrote a 1 next to his name, like, if he gets famous or something, you know, suchhh good connections to have”.

Other students, on the other hand, were not as keen. Barry and Josie, who were ambushed into walking down to the Union building post two hour seminar on 3 hours of sleep, recounted their traumatic experience: “It was like a whirlwind. One minute, you’re walking back to your college room, ready to nap, and next thing you know, you’re in some old and strange building ticking boxes on a pink sheet. I don’t even know what the secretary does”. A

After Gamsay’s investigation was over, the general consensus seemed to be that most Union members were either indifferent to the election results or unaware of the existence of such a phenomenon entirely.

Gamsay would like to round this off by sharing a commonly-expressed sentiment among his interviewees: please stop sending hacks and make some friends who can vote for you unprompted!

 

Rordon reminded of the importance of his job

Whilst most of his reports have a somewhat comedic tone, occasionally there comes a story or event that reminds him of the seriousness and value journalists hold in the world.

In the past two weeks the world has watched on in horror at the scenes taking place in Ukraine as a result of the Russian invasion. Earlier this week a Sky News team were fired by Russian troops despite repeatedly communicating that they were members of the press. Stuart Ramsay, along with camera operator Richie Mockler, were both shot but are fortunately set to make full recoveries after being evacuated. Ukrainian camera operator Yevhenii Sakun who had been covering the invasion was killed in a shelling of Kyiv’s television tower. Two Danish journalists, reporter Stefan Weichert and photographer Emil Filtenborg, were shot at and injured as they travelled to a shelled kindergarten in Ohtyrka, northeast Ukraine, on Wednesday.

As the scale and brutality of the war grows it becomes increasingly dangerous for journalists to cover the conflict safety. They bring reports of the bravery of Ukrainian troops, coverage of the indiscriminate bombings of civilian targets, and stark reminders of the horrors that war inflict upon all participants, willing or otherwise. UNESCO places the number of journalists killed in 2021 around the world at 55. Risking their lives in conflicts and war zones around the world, it is through them that we are forced out of our bubbles of tranquility and forced to engage with the trials and suffering we are fortunate enough to be spared by virtue of where we are born.

With the advent of social media there is a shifting definition of journalism, and much of the footage the internet is awash with originated with ordinary civilians holding a smartphone. Hand-held videos of missiles hitting housing structures have brought a new closeness to war. Even on a National level you have Presidential broadcasts being made on Twitter rather than terrestrial TV. Every new heinous action captured on tape pushes for action and aid sooner, and challenges a world sitting idly by to ignore the goings on a moment longer.

As well as saluting those who fight for freedom, we must pay tribute to those who devote themselves to the freedom of information, of truth, and of informed presentation of facts. Here’s to hoping they’re able to cover a more peaceful and safer world in the coming months.

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.