Oxfess only gains traction as an occasionally diverting tool for procrastination. Studies have shown that at any one time, 67% of students ‘working’ in the Rad Cam are in fact scrolling through Oxfess [citation needed]. They let the endless little white boxes roll across their eyelids and register faint sensations of amusement or irritation with each one that goes past, a mild but welcome contrast to the brain-dead inertia usually experienced in the library.
I too have spent many an hour as one of these sad and bored individuals. It is time I put my knowledge, completely unwillingly attained, of Oxfess (and Oxlove) to some sort of use. Here is a definitive guide to the types of post you will see on these pages.
the boomer instinct to run to Facebook and keyboard smash takes control
- Angry complaints
Every week, the frayed nerves of Oxford’s students are let loose upon Oxfess. With no other outlet for such strong emotions, the boomer instinct to run to Facebook and keyboard smash takes control.
‘#oxfess12472 oxHATE to whoever was WHISTLING SOFTLY in the Gladstone link at 5.04pm last Tuesday. It distracted everyone around you and made us concentrate even less on our work than we were already. Show a little consideration please!! Some of us have to sit EXAMS this term. I stg students have no respect for their fellow workers…’
- Futile responses to angry complaints
‘#oxfess12479 whoever wrote #oxfess12472 is so fucking entitled. don’t you realise that someone whistling is not actually a personal attack on you??? you haven’t even considered that the person who distracted you might have some sort of breathing impediment or hidden disability??? so ignorant. check your fucking privilege I swear some students have no respect for their fellow workers…’
- [Oxford college] [year group] as [pointless object]
Thankfully, this trend seems to have died a death in recent months.
‘#oxfess42052 St Catz freshers as types of bin
PA: waste paper
LL: food waste
KD: recycling (glass)
VN: recycling (general)
WE: clothes donation box
JH: commercial waste
PO: the tip
GT: recycling (batteries) <3’
- React to this…
An easy way to get engagement and settle the most stupid debates:
‘#oxfess90210
<3 for 1 ply loo roll
Like for 2
>:( for 3’
- Baity posts (not made up by the admins)
‘#oxlove67578 I know I fucked up. Please take me back. I just miss you so much. I didn’t know I could live without you. I didn’t know it would hurt this bad. I hate myself right now, but not so much that I’m going to do anything about it except end another sentence with a full stop to show I really am serious and not a fuckboy.’
- Baity posts (made up by the admins)
Anything to get that engagement.
‘#oxfess1320 Does anyone else actually find Oxford really easy? Like I see all these posts complaining about workload, and I don’t get it. I work for 10 minutes a day and have managed to get a First every time. It’s not hard. Come on, guys, stop moaning. We all know we have the same 24 hours in a day. From MM’
KO @ Peter’s. Your hair is made of angel dust and I faint every time you smile.
- Sincere Oxloves
An increasingly rare breed, but has an Oxlove ever actually been successful? If not, then what’s the point?
‘#oxlove6969 KO @ Peter’s. Your hair is made of angel dust and I faint every time you smile. Coffee sometime? xxx (might need to keep your mouth shut during the date or I may end up in A&E)’
- Confessions far too revealing for a university meme page
‘#oxfess176308 during sex I like to wear a banana costume and get my boyfriend to ‘pick’ me from a tree. Idk i just think it’s super hot.’
- Using Oxfess as a search engine
‘#oxfess108080 does anyone know if the Coop on Walton St accept card’
- Shilling for OxMatch
‘Hey Oxford! 🙂
We’re back, and bigger than ever! <3
With a whole new host of questions to steal your data – I mean, find you a match.
More generic questions about the inherent fugliness of Christ Church and CompSci students to come!’
If you’re one of those people who does post on Oxfess, which one are you? More importantly, why do you do it? Thank you for the entertainment though.
Image credit: Oxfess Facebook
Image description: Oxfess Facebook Page, large artistic image of Radcliffe Camera with blue sky behind, different emojis dotted around and examples of Oxfesses
