RETURN OF THE ROAST: BNOC DRAMA, CALCULATED CRYING AND MAY MORNING

While you were all busy revising for collections and/or finals and enjoying the sunshine (but only within your five minute allotted Pomodoro timer breaks, of course), Rordon’s spent the vac honing his culinary skills, and he’s back for another Roast. Bon appétit.

 

SHOCK: SIMPKIN FURIOUS AT SHARING TOP 40 BNOC NOMINATION

A certain feline member of Hertford College was found in the lowest of moods on Friday morning upon discovering that although he had, naturally, been awarded the highly lucrative title of Cherwell’s Top 40 BNOCs, he has been forced to share the position with his Exeter counterpart and rival, Walter. It seems his generations-long reign as Oxford’s favourite cat is over. Reports are saying Simpkin has since gone completely off the rails – “I’ve never seen him like this,” a Hertford student told Gamsay. “He’s been out until the early hours of the morning every night – there’s even a rumour he’s developed an addiction to-” here the student lowered their voice in horror – “catnip.”

Gamsay will continue to keep a close eye on this unfolding story – he knows the status of our city’s feline hierarchy is a vitally important matter for all OxStu readers.

 

BREAKING: OXFORD STUDENTS PIONEER THE CALCULATED CRY

Oxford students have long had a history of stress and mental health issues, but a pioneering new study is currently being trialled on them this term to try and delay 5th week blues into at least 6th week. 

Taking inspiration from the idea of the tactical chunder, common at other universities up and down the country, the technique relies on so-called ‘calculated cries’. Rordon Gamsay spoke to one student who confessed that the technique was having a revolutionary impact on her studies: “I only have a breakdown once a week nowadays!“

It involves students deciding to deliberately have a cry over minor problems so that they can force themselves on for more of term. Described as “inspired” and “life-saving” by tutors unable to cope with their students’ inability to cope, Rordon is sure the scheme will be implemented on a wider scale in the future.

 

BUS 👏, CLUB 👏, ANOTHER BUS 👏, ANOTHER CLUB 👏, NO SLEEP: MAY MORNING

Check back later for this article. The writers haven’t woken up yet.

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

Image Description: A cartoon image of roasted meat on a red and orange background with the words: “Sunday Roast: Featuring the Stories that didn’t quite leave the newsroom”.