Diary of an Oxford student


10am: Wake up. Hungover. Can’t remember what was drunk at Park End the night before. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Return to sleep.

11am: Wake up again in cold sweat, having remembered that tute is at 10am tomorrow, meaning essay must be written today. 2000 words by 5pm. Thought so repulsive I spend an hour panic-scrolling on TikTok desperately waiting for clouds of hangover to disperse. They do not.

12pm: Check diary. Realise have missed important lecture at 10am due to hangover. Determine to get it together and go to library.

2pm: In the library. Have written the title. Time for a quick break.

3pm: Wordle done. 

4pm: Really must get on with essay now. Only 1676 words to go.

5pm: Desperately email tutor telling essay will be slightly late due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’.

8.45pm: Submit essay. Determine never to write an essay in such panic or be hungover ever again. 

9pm: Go to pub with friends. They’re going to Bridge, but I won’t. I have a tute at 10am tomorrow.


9.30am: Hungover once again. Fuck.

9.32am: Check bank account. How did I spend £30 in Bridge yesterday? Who was I buying drinks for?

10am: Manage to arrive on time for tute. “Thanks for the drinks yesterday,” says tute partner.

11am: Tute partner disgustingly lively during tute despite all the drinks consumed yesterday. Look like a tit in front of tutor in comparison. Make terrible analogy between Julius Caesar and Elon Musk that the tutor hates. 

3pm: Having the afternoon off to celebrate hard work on essay yesterday. Next essay not due until Tuesday. Plenty of time.

Hate this productive and happy person.


10am-12pm: Go to café to study with friends. Spend more time complaining about working than working.

2pm: Tesco trip. Exhibit saintly behaviour by avoiding the biscuits on Clubcard discount and buying only what is necessary. Basket full of vodka, hummus, and an interesting looking yoghurt from a brand I think is new. Ooh, Mini Rolls.

4pm: Run into annoying overachieving friend who smugly says that they’re ‘ahead on work’ and are just going for a ‘stroll round Uni Parks’ before lacrosse practice and a play rehearsal later today. Hate this productive and happy person.

6pm: Write article for the newspaper instead of writing the essay. Tell myself this is interesting and useful, and everyone reads/loves student journalism.


10am: In the library to work. Open academic PDF – it is 60 pages long with no abstract. Contemplate running away and joining a circus.

12pm: Check reading list. Tutor has set an entire book and double starred it. Find book in library – it is 200 pages long. Contemplate running away and becoming a professional ventriloquist. 

4.30pm: Should really get started on this book. Quick check on Facebook first… What’s happening on Oxfess…

5pm: Really MUST get back to work.

5.05pm: I wonder where Johnny from primary school is now? This is really important, must check all social media and see what he’s up to.

7pm: Exhausted by effort of contemplating doing work. Order Deliveroo and promise to do better tomorrow.

Someone is breathing too loudly in the corner. Can’t concentrate. Will do my laundry as a productive break.


9.30am: In library. Really must get down to it today and write the essay.

11am: Bored. Someone is breathing too loudly in the corner. Can’t concentrate. Will do my laundry as a productive break.

1pm: Lose half my socks in the Circuit Laundry dryer. Where the fuck do they go?

7pm: Convinced by hack friend to actually use overpriced Union membership acquired in naive haste in Freshers’ Week. Join the long queue to see notable speaker/famous celebrity. Waste a lot of time standing around. Think gloomily about how much reading could have done in that hour instead. 

8pm: Chamber has filled up and won’t let us in so have wasted my time. Write off the rest of the evening out of frustration.

10pm: In the college bar. Who gives a FUCK about WORK anyway??????


10am: Lecture from important and notable fellow whose work was on the reading list last week. Realise in horror only at the end that have spelt their name wrong throughout the entirety of previous essay.

11am: Really MUST complete the new essay. Have the other one to read for as well. It’s fine, stay calm, stay calm.

3pm: Somehow manage to write the essay. Arguments are half baked but that will have to do. Feels wrong to email essay with apology attached so say that I ‘struggled with some of the week’s concepts’ instead.


9.30: Oh God. SO much reading and essay is due tomorrow afternoon. Tutor has not starred any articles on the list. Absolutely loathe them in this moment.

2pm: Run into an ex-Tinder match on Cornmarket Street. Try to avoid them but they spot me and say hi. Fail to pretend I hadn’t seen them already by studiously looking into the window of Gregg’s. Encounter is embarrassing and regretful.

5pm: Fit of madness leads to the purchase of a Park End ticket. I’m not going to achieve anything else today anyway.

3am: Oh, Soloman’s… I love you so… 


10am: Wake up. Hungover. Remember that tute is at 10am tomorrow, meaning essay must be written today. 2000 words by 5pm. Oh God.


Image credit: Base image – Monstera on pexels.com, radcam image – Stephen Burrows on flickr.com, club images from Fixr pages

Image description: Two girls writing in notebooks on a brown table. One is looking down, has ginger hair and is wearing a brown shirt. The other is in a lilac shirt looking wistfully at the logos of Bridge and Parkend and the RadCam.