SUNDAY ROAST – BUT THIS TIME IT’S MEAT-FREE

It’s that time of the week again – Rordon’s back to serve up some steaming hot Roasts. Nut roasts, that is.

MEAT-FREE MONDAYS: CHRIST CHURCH STUDENTS FACE ADVERSITY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SCOUTS STOPPED DOING STUDENTS’ LAUNDRY

Students of Christ Church turned their hand to important matters of democracy this week – a group of undergraduates have begun a protest at the highly distressing experience of their Hall having a Meat-Free Monday each week. It has been suggested that this mandated consumption of vegetables has seen the welfare of students reaching record lows.* Rordon went to the scene of the revolt himself to discover more.

‘I dread Monday every week now, and not just for the normal reasons,’ one student told Rordon. ‘I’ve never faced any sort of hardship before; I just don’t know how to cope with being forced to eat vegetables once a week. I’ve been reduced to ordering in £56 filet mignon steaks just to keep my iron levels up.’

Reports are showing the meat section in St. Aldate’s Street Tesco has been wiped clean by these students desperately panic-buying to see themselves through each painful Monday. Rordon hopes they will be able to keep fighting the good fight, and find the courage to survive these terribly trying times.

*data compared to a survey conducted after the caviar course was removed from the college’s formals

 

INCREDIBLE: PRIVATE SCHOOL STUDENT SURPRISED TO ENJOY OUCA

A former private school student has been left in shock this week after attending an Oxford University Conservative Association meeting and discovering to their surprise that they enjoyed it.

The student in question told Rordon that they attended Port and Policy not because they agreed with the Conservatives but just to go along for the ‘experience’: “I was so surprised because I thought I’d disagree with everyone, but we just sort of seemed to have so much in common.”

Having previously been a self-professed Blairite who now supports the Liberal Democrats because “I would support Labour but…”, the student admitted their fondness of OUCA was quite a change but that they were looking forward to the OUCA speed dating event next week.

 

WHAT’S THE HYSTERIA ABOUT WISTERIA

The hype around Oxford’s favourite weed needs to stop. It’s just ivy with embellishments. For some reason everyone loves it, even though it’s just inconvenient. This is in no way related to Rordon’s rampant hay fever.

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

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