The Spoon’s Special

A Guide to Wetherspoon's

So Summer is fast approaching, and we all know what that means. Everyone will be flocking to Wetherspoon’s for a cheeky pint when they’re sick of studying. To help you out with your much needed procrastination, here’s my handy guide to different Wetherspoon’s drinks.

Coffee/ Tea

Price: £1.20

Taste Rating: 5/10

Value for money: 10/10

You just can’t go wrong with a classic. Although Wetherspoon’s coffee isn’t anything to preach about in the Sheldonian theatre (the coffee is decidedly mid), caffeine is caffeine, and when my essay deadline hits in eight hours, and I had one too many tequila shots in Atik the night before, it does the job. It’s not the quality of the drink but the unbelievable value for money which has me running here faster than a first year to get their stash. With unlimited refills, and therefore unlimited study fuel available to you at only £1.20 a cup, plus the bonus of spoons breakfast being at hand, how could you say no? Just don’t blame me for the inevitable caffeine headaches as you struggle to get your money’s worth. This coffee hack is the best deal since the one-month free Pret Subscription was stopped. (I’m still not ready to talk about it).

Cocktail Pitchers

Price: £7.55 each, or £12.95 for 2

Taste Rating: 8/10 (10/10 for the Porn Star Martini)

Value for money: 6/10

Ah, the famed spoons cocktail jug, renowned for making (or breaking) a night. The jugs and I have a chequered history, to say the least. Responsible for many of my best nights, (and a few of my worst decisions), ordering one is a one-track road to pulling out the dad dancing on the Atik cheese floor. ‘Oh, I’ll just have one drink’, you say, before ordering a veritable JUG of alcohol. Just be warned: one too many of these and you’ll be boarding a one-way train to chunder town. The mix of different fruit juices and alcohols is not for the faint-hearted, nor the faint stomached. (Not speaking from personal experience, obviously). The flavours are immaculate, dangerously so, because you really can’t taste the alcohol, but the pitchers drop points for being pricey. Clearly Spoon’s wants me to resort to drinking my alcohol straight to avoid going into debt.

‘Oh, I’ll just have one drink’, you say, before ordering a veritable JUG of alcohol.

Sours Shots

Price: 4 for £5.50

Alcoholic percentage: 15%

Taste Rating: 4/10

Value for money: 9/10

If, like me, your priority is getting the most drunk for the least money, then the taste of these shots will be but a sidenote, as after careful analysis of the entire Wetherspoon’s menu, I have calculated that these are the shots with the highest alcohol percentage to cost ratio. (Honestly, I have too much time on my hands). However, if you prioritise taste, this is not the drink for you. Let’s say you opt for the classic apple sours. The luminescent green colour resembles a bio-hazard, immediately clueing you in to proceed with caution. A pungent waft of the sickly scent enters your nostrils, causing your eyes to water. You ignore all the warning signs your body is giving you to avoid consumption at all costs, brace yourself, raise the flimsy plastic cup to your lips and down the liquid, hoping it doesn’t dye your insides green. It’s instant regret. A combination of sickly sweetness and sourness that catches the back of your throat, the only sensible response seems to be to spit it back out. You force yourself to swallow, and shudder. And the worst part is, you’ve got three more to go. Oh, the things we go through to protect our student loans.

R. White’s raspberry lemonade

Price: £1.50

Taste Rating: 10/10

Value for Money: 10/10

Ending this article on a high note, R. White’s raspberry lemonade is truly one of the highest pleasures. I discovered the sweet, cold, and fizzy deliciousness almost two years ago and it was love at first sip. Personally, I’m not a lemonade girl, but this drink never misses, with the sweet raspberry flavour counteracting the sourness of the lemon and giving you a refreshing summer drink for when you’re sick of the vile Oxford tap water. Best served in a glass filled with ice cubes, so you can feel boujee from the comfort of the Four Candles. The entire experience treats you better than any Christchurch boy ever could. My advice: skip the heartbreak and disappointment and get yourself a taste of heaven.


Featured Image Description: A wooden pub bar

Featured Image: Christian_Birkholz via Pixabay