SUNDAY ROAST: NEW VICE CHANCELLOR SAYS ‘YEAH BALLIOL!’*

Sunday Roast is back, and somehow still just about on time – yeah Rordon!

*Not a real quote. Sorry Balliol.

 

SHOCK: VICE CHANCELLOR DISCOVERED

Oxford students were left shell-shocked this week after the announcement of the new Vice-Chancellor. Yet when Rordon spoke to students, it wasn’t the choice of candidate that concerned them: “I didn’t think Vice Chancellor was a real thing? I just sort of presumed that they were a fancy animatronic that got wheeled out of a cupboard once a year for matriculation.”

Having not been heard of since 2016, most students had assumed that the position was made-up, covering up for the committee of old white men who through a byzantine network of sub-committees really control the university. “I’m just so surprised that the Vice-Chancellor really does stuff; I was under the impression that £390,000 a year was the wine budget for some dinner society or something.”

Merton are said to be delighted by the news, as the old Warden had been viewed by both fellows and students as ‘far too fun’.

 

TO BEREAL OR NOT TO BEREAL: OXFORD STUDENT PICTURED OUTSIDE OF LIBRARY

The nation’s favourite new social media app, BeReal, has sent shockwaves through our university this week as reports are saying that, contrary to the traditional Oxford BeReal, a student was pictured outside of a library. Students across the city have been left reeling from the astonishment of seeing someone with a background of blue sky and not the typical looming bookcases one sees on the app. 

Sources have suggested the student in question is facing disciplinary action as a reult of the incident, as their college has expressed disappointment at seeing them taking a break. 

“I was only on a five-minute Pomodoro break when the BeReal notification came through,” was the defense the student gave. But other students have expressed doubt about this alibi: “They just can’t possibly be being real,” one student told Rordon, as he investigated the matter. “Oxford students don’t leave the library, especially not this close to exams!”

Rordon will be back next week to report on a student witnessed taking a suspiciously long ‘toilet break’ who is being confronted with similar repercussions.

 

BALLIOL: YEAH!

Yeah Balliol!

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

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