Everyone at Oxford has a toxic trait or two. Whether it be the Union hack who just won’t leave your DMs, or the rower who manages to turn every conversation into rowing (even if you were only talking about the feminisation of nature in the poetry of William Wordsworth), here’s a definitive list of the most frequently observed around our humble university.
1. The Late-Night Library-er
Either you know one or you are one. By day, the student who annoyingly scrapes by despite seemingly doing no work. By night, the Oxford equivalent of Hermione Granger. The second the sun goes down, and everyone else is clocking off for the night, ready to head to the college bar and inevitably get peer pressured into ending up at Park End, your day is just beginning. When you actually sleep is a mystery unbeknownst to everyone (including yourself).
2. The Union Hack
You don’t have friends. You have potential voters. Your days are spent buying coffees for people who you discover don’t even have Union membership when you just casually drop in to the conversation that oh, there’s an election at the Union this weekend!. Your Facebook is filled with you tagging the people who you actually really dislike but who wanted to run on the same slate as you and there’s not much you can do about it yourbestfriends in posts where you gush about how much you love them and are so honoured to run for [weirdly named role] on #INSERTIMPERATIVEVERBHERE with them! Just one message notification from you sparks fear in every acquaintance you have.
3. The Dedicated Student
You actually (gasp) enjoy your degree. Everyone is a little weirded out when you start talking about how much you have loved writing your essay this week and the 18-hour library sessions you did for four days straight to complete it. Maybe just keep it to yourself.
4. The Not Remotely Dedicated Student
You seem to have completely forgotten why you applied to this university in the first place. To you, the degree is just the excuse for all of the formals and gowns and nice buildings and pretentious stash. You might be found in the library at 2am with No. 1 as you desperately do just enough to be allowed to remain at the university: the difference is they work hard, just nocturnally. You work only when absolutely necessary. You’re a master of calculating precisely the bare minimum.
5. The Drama Person
Your profile picture changes on Facebook more frequently than you remind everyone of how busy you are because you’re just in so many plays. Which is saying a lot.
6. The Student Journalist
Your Instagram story is purely just you plugging your newest articles that probably two, or three at maximum, of your followers will actually read. You spend too much time talking about editing and laying-in and how you just don’t think X newspaper is as good as the one you have sworn allegiance to (because apparently writing for an Oxford newspaper is the same as being born into a blood feud). It’s all worth it for the dopamine rush when once in a blue moon someone says ‘oh, I read your article!’. It must have made a lasting impact on their life and changed their mindset forever! It didn’t. It was just a review of Florence and the Machine’s new album.
7. The Rower
Everyone knows you have rowing in the morning. No one cares.
Featured image description: A photo of the Radcliffe Camera with a red warning triangle inset.