It’s fifth week, but Rordon’s back to beat the blues – no, he’s not condoning scrapping with any university sports team members (even if that would at least stop them dropping the fact that they’re in a university sports team into every conversation), he means that wonderful Oxford phenomenon, the fifth week blues. When there’s no origami and Mario Kart to hand, this will have to do. Bon appétit.
SHOCK: ROWERS TALK ABOUT ROWING
Rordon has sadly remained distant from the college rowing community during his time at Oxford, having not set foot on Boathouse Island since an unfortunate incident involving Pimms, an oar and a swan in freshers’ week.
Normally, this has meant Rordon has little to no idea of what is going on down at the river: rowers are, after all, a quiet bunch. Yet this week, something incredible happened. A seemingly normal conversation suddenly veered sharply into an in depth conversation about 3 seat in M2. Rordon was so shocked that rowers were actually talking about rowing that he failed to grasp the context of the conversation, but his limited understanding is that 3 M2 was a grid reference for the rowing version of Battleships (bumping is the same as sinking, right?).
It is unclear whether rowers will ever talk about rowing again, but Rordon waits in nervous anticipation.
NO WAY: STUDENT’S MENTAL ILLNESS CURED BY STROKING ALPACA
Rordon interviewed a student to whom a miracle occurred this week. The student in question has been a long-time sufferer of depression and anxiety and, having finally asked for help from his college, was offered a bewildering opportunity – the welfare officer invited an alpaca petting zoo to the grounds of the college. While at first, the student was baffled by this proposition – “I just don’t know how an alpaca is going to solve my deep-rooted trauma that has only been exacerbated by the intense workload of this university,” he told Rordon – he reluctantly agreed to attend said petting zoo. To his, and indeed everyone’s (except the college welfare officer’s) surprise, just one touch of this fluffy horse-like creature was enough to rid the student of any and all mental illness (including some that had yet to be diagnosed!).
“I’ve never felt so free,” the student said, when asked about his new life as a mentally stable human being. “I am hugely indebted to the college welfare support system for bringing this petting zoo into college. I can’t imagine where I would be if they had just, say, paid for me to have therapy.”
Rordon wonders whether more colleges will follow suit for this most depressing of Oxford weeks – the powers of a petting zoo are clearly not to be underestimated.
STUDENT NEWSPAPER SAYS OH WELL TO SATIRE
One of our esteemed rival papers has decided that rather than compete with Rordon, it might as well just say ‘oh well…’ to its satire section. Rordon understands that the section editors have said ‘never mind’ and come to an agreement with the editors in chief that they ‘aren’t to worry about it’. According to sources within said newspaper who spoke to OxYou, they’ve adopted the strategy of sticking every joke about Oxford students under the sun into every article in the hope that one sticks. Rordon has been given exclusive access to their next article, which he can now share with you: ‘Union, Rower, PPE, SU, Alpacas, Oxfess, Prelims, BNOCs, Stash, hahahahahahah’.
Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.
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