The Definitive Oxford Clubbing Quiz

Uncertain as to which club night you should be going to this week? Between Plush Tuesgays, Park End Wednesday, and Bridge Thursday, the Oxford student public is absolutely spoilt for choice, except not really as they’re all kind of the same and equally shit in different ways. But if you want the decision made for you, OxYou have devised this handy and 100% accurate quiz. Just tally up how many As, Bs, and Cs you pick and your results will be revealed at the end!

1. What are you drinking tonight?

A) VKs

B) Vodka coke

C) Tequila shots

2. What item is most likely to be found in your pocket when you go on a night out?

A) 10000 Elf bars

B) My baccie (rah)

C) Poppers

3. What are you wearing to the club? (If you’re a man, skip this question as you’re almost definitely wearing a plain t-shirt and jeans.)

A) My biggest, stompiest trainers so I can trip into everyone on the dancefloor, and in the queue

B) Urban Outfitters Josie top, Urban Outfitters cargo trousers (in white or khaki), Urban Outfitters crystal necklace (but I promise I bought it in Bali), Nike Air Forces, curtain bangs

C) Leather, denim, and glitter – in whatever combination feels right

4. What kind of music do you want to listen to at the club?

A) Cheese

B) Cheese

C) Cheese

(Not much choice in Oxford, I’m afraid)

5. How do you like your dance floors?

A) With brightly coloured tiles and fenced off in hard metal barriers, for maximum impact when you inevitably get pushed around when JLS comes on

B) I’d rather dance in a corridor tbh

C) Underground and cavernous

6. How well air-conditioned do you want your night to be?

A) I’m not too bothered

B) I need cool air!!!!

C) Couldn’t care less – in fact, I like it when you can feel the sweat dripping from the walls

7. What, apart from dancing, will you be doing on your night out?

A) Vomiting in the toilet until it blocks up

B) Smoking (my baccie, obvs)

C) Harassing the DJ until they play that one song you’re fixated on at the moment

8. Pick a stranger to get off with:

A) Man from Queen’s in a BoohooMAN hoody dancing awkwardly by the bar

B) Girl who won’t stop asking you if you’re from Surrey too

C) Girl in piercings and fishnets who pays for your Jagerbombs but also looks like she might hate you

9. What would bother you the least on a night out?

A) The club having the most depressing smoking area of all time

B) Having to queue to use one of the dancefloors

C) Being able to breathe non-humid, non-toxic, and non-sweaty air

10. And finally, what do you most want to hear on the dancefloor?

A) Come On Eileen

B) Dance remix of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran

C) Doja Cat at 1.5x speed

 

If you got mostly As: go to ATIK/PARK END

Sporting the best and also most embarrassing cheese floor in the OX postcode, Park End on a Wednesday should hit the spot for you. So long as you don’t mind smoking by a rancid set of bins, having access to toilets that flush, or being yelled at by some of the worst bouncers in the country, you’re sure to have a great night. Don’t trip going up the stairs with those VKs…

If you got mostly Bs: go to BRIDGE

You’re probably the kind of person who uses the word ‘vibey’ non-ironically, so head off to Bridge where I hear that adjective has been used to describe the vibrant smoking area. You probably don’t care too much for dancing, because the quality of music and dancefloors at Bridge definitely doesn’t cater to that need. Order a double vodka coke and the music is bound to sound lots better. 

If you got mostly Cs: go to PLUSH

You must be an absolute animal to dedicate yourself to a night in Plush. In the smoky depths lies the hallowed cave of Tuesgays, a guaranteed good night if you don’t mind people vaping in your face, poppers, or the staff plying you with Jagerbombs. Prepare to get sweaty – but just don’t touch the walls…

 

Featured image description: A photo of people clubbing.