SUN – wait, MONDAY ROAST: RORDON HAD A HANGOVER

Rordon would normally pull his act together and write a witty introduction for this week’s Roast, but it’s Monday evening and if Rordon is any later with the Roast he’ll get shouted at by people who don’t appreciate that there’s a proper way to spend a Saturday evening and it doesn’t involve student journalism. Voila.

 

F*CK: RORDON HAS A HANGOVER

Fifth week is always rough on Rordon, and this Trinity was no different. Fresh from discovering that rowing isn’t so bad (all that free Pimms and sun must make those early wake ups worth it), Rordon managed to sneak an invite to Eights dinner. This was all well and good, and Rordon had a smashing time slagging off Christ Church and making innuendos about crabs, but it became significantly less well and good on Sunday morning.

For the first time in several months, Rordon woke up with a splitting headache and a stomach churning like crazy. A bold attempt to make it to brunch ended up in a fairly tragic incident just outside his bathroom, and Rordon spent most of Sunday lying in bed. So, with many apologies from Rordon, this week you lucky folk get a Monday Roast instead. Same classic Rordon humour, just slightly more vomit involved in the creation than usual.

 

BREAKING: SOMETHING HAPPENS SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN BOATHOUSE ISLAND

Reports are suggesting that, to the surprise of literally everyone, something happened somewhere that wasn’t Boathouse Island on Saturday. Rordon spoke to the local police who have been investigating the matter: “Something happened,” a spokesperson said. “It was somewhere that wasn’t Boathouse Island.” Students across Oxford have been left reeling from the shock.

Rordon took it upon himself to find out more about this alleged incident, but his search for witnesses was fruitless. Everyone he asked had been on Boathouse Island.

If anyone has any information, they should contact Rordon at [email protected]

 

HORROR: RORDON GETS SCAMMED

After innumerable pleas to his personal instagram, Gamsay gave in. A disaffected, and likely hacked, LMH student begged him, saying “I’m contesting for a spot as [sic] an online influencer program, can you please vote for me? xx 😊 😊”. In appealing to Rordon’s sense of empathy, the scammers got the better of him. He has now voted for an astonishing seventeen Oxford students in this program, which calls itself “The Influencing World Cup”. As well as kindly dispensing votes like Oprah, Rordon is now consigned to a life of bankruptcy as the small print of his multi-level marketing contract takes effect.

Updates to follow.

 

Please note: Sunday Roast is satirical and should not be taken as defamatory.

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